


Blackout Drunk at a Dennys

by Beautifulmoiety



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Eren Yeager Has Cancer, Homophobic Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:14:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7806808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beautifulmoiety/pseuds/Beautifulmoiety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was 3 am and we were sitting huddle together in the Denny's parking lot blackout drunk and shivering, waiting reluctantly for the results of Eren's tests. The little boy that I'd meet in August was gone and in his place sat my fragile shaking boyfriend. His lips were turning blue which was when I decided it was time to go inside, because hell if I was letting him get a cold now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. screw you

**Author's Note:**

> Okay for starters I am so sorry, this will be painful and hard to take at times. Eren's going through a lot and taking poor Levi with him, but Levi really wouldn't rather be anywhere else. Explanation time, Eren's had this huge crush on Levi since he spotted him at the local convenience store over the summer, and Levi has been crushing since he saw that all the adorable face at that party. Levi will be turning 18 in on his birthday but since they started dating before that they are protected by the Romeo and Juliet laws.   
> Anyways a little more about the store, I actually live in Texas so all of the little Texas facts are completely true. The Bob Bullock Museum is an amazing place don't let Levi throw you off, and the exhibits are actually like that no lie promise. Gus's chicken is amazing, there's only one location in Austin, and I actually went once after comic con believe it or not.   
> Okay now about me, I'm really excited for this story, I promise I would never hurt you, especially since actually letting anything truly horrible happen to Eren would kill me. Levi's personality is really close to mine actually. Side note: that park is based off one that my friends and I go to sometimes and the only reason they weren't swinging is because the park literally has no swings. What kind of playground doesn't have swings?   
> Whatever I hope you like the first chapter, it took my two days.   
> Song of the chapter : Golden- Fall Out Boy

“Every first Sunday of the month the Bob Bullock museum has free entry, and if that’s not something you want to do there’s always something else, right? Like graffiti park, or the Capitol building. So why don’t we go?” I don’t even remember when this kid started sitting at our table, or where he came from. I don’t know when he started to notice how badly I wanted out, but I also don’t know when I started to not mind it. When did I start looking for him everyday like I needed to know he was real, here, and alive not my imagination. 

The first time I noticed him he was sitting uncomfortably between Hanji and Erwin with the fakest smile. He looked so lost and out of it. I didn’t pay much attention to him until after Homecoming, this god awful girl had asked him to go and so they sort of joined our group, half way through the dance the girl ran off with some football jock leaving Eren to dance awkwardly with an overly excited Hanji. From what I could tell it really hurt Eren although he’d never say it, but every time he saw the girl afterward there was always this glint of pain in his eyes. 

She wasn’t even that good looking, little blonde girl with big doe eyes and a shitty personality. Even saying this I’m a complete hypocrite, my date was this shit for brains college dropout, he was an art major for photography. Tall and stupid, my type, but that isn’t really what this is about. This is about the after party when I became of aware of Eren. 

He was sitting on the hearth of some unknown classmates fireplace looking out of place and people watching with nothing else to do. Some girl who definitely hadn’t been at the homecoming dance came stumbling up to him, push up bra two sizes too small and shirt failing to contain any of her breast at all. His face was stark white and had the most adorably terrified expression I’d ever seen etched onto it as she fell chest first onto him slurring about it being an accident, a very thinly veiled lie if you ask me, the kid just shook his head uncontrollably before getting up and rushing out. 

He ran out the front door and down the street, and I just watched in faint amusement. What had he been expecting to happen with the other girl tonight night if he couldn’t even handle some random chick's boobs in his face, maybe he’s one of those guys who has to be with a specific person to get in the mood. Whatever the case is watching him so flusteredly run out of the party stuck with me, so the next chance I got at school I decided to bring it up.

“That was one quick escape you made there at the party on Saturday.” I said smirking at him as he slide into the seat next to Hanji and across from me. His ears went bring pink. 

“Uh, yeah my mom texted said I had to go home…” He looked away blushing harder.

“You’re just as shit a liar as that girl was.” I point out teasing him lightly, or at least what I think is lightly, but when he refuses to sit with us for a week afterward I get the feeling my teasing was too much for him. Either way my curiosity was peaked and there was no way I wasn’t going to continue my teasing whether he liked it or not. 

It took all of two months for him to get used to me actually speaking to him, however every time I teased him he’d turn a faintly red color and look anywhere but at me. Which brings us to our current December, my least favorite month for multiple reasons 1) it’s cold as shit, 2) Texas ices over completely, 3) it actually fucking rains, 4) my birthday. It’s reminder that I’m alive, that I have to get up in the morning and actually do something with this “precious” life I was given. It was for all these reasons that I so completely tried my best to refuse Eren’s offer to go out the day after winter break started but he showed up at my house anyway. He finessed his way past my aunt and into the shit hole I live in. It was three knocks at my door and a pleading voice that woke me up this morning.

I was sleep deprived and unwilling, but he was smiling and overly awake pulling me through my front door after harassing me into putting on clothes and coming out with him. He hadn’t told me where we were supposed to be going but when the outline of trees parted and the park came into view I wasn’t too impressed. His hand confined mine in a death grip as he pulled me up the stairs of the playground until we’re at the highest point, at that time he released my hand in favor of sitting down pulling his legs up and into the twisted knot people called sitting criss-cross applesauce for whatever reason. 

He sat silent for awhile looking up at me expectantly waiting for me to sit with his hands rubbing frantically together in an effort to warm them. I stretched mine, opening and closing them to keep the feeling, even wearing gloves this shitty weather finagles it’s way down into the deepest part of my body chilling me completely. The wind whips around keeping the cold ever present around us, the wordless existence between us isn't unwelcome it’s actually comfortable believe it or not, but it doesn’t last as Eren shifts uneasily. There’s a deep redness to his cheeks and his eyes roam the area looking for something, his voice is unsure and strained as he says: “Every first Sunday the Bob Bullock museum has free entry…” and so on as you’ve already heard. 

He stared off leaving me to decide exactly what I wanted, and to try and piece together how he’d seen through me when no one else had. I took a deep breath trying to keep it in, to be calm. How do you respond to someone after they ask something like this? How do you concede to the fact that everything around you in a constant reminder of something horrible? 

“I asked because I really want to go too, and I don’t think anyone else would really understand.” Now he thinks it’s okay to go around reading me like some damn book?

“What type of game do you think you’re playing?” I can't even look at him, he’ll give some shit eating smile or something and I’ll just cave again. Where did this softness come from?

“Come on, Levi, you can’t actually say you enjoy being here can you?” He’s standing next to me now trying to catch me eyes with his.”It would be painfully obvious to everyone else how much you hate yourself and everything around you if they just took the time…”

“And who told you you could come around pointing out my flaws?”

“Who said they were flaws? I didn’t, they may not be the best aspects of your personality or of who you are, but it’s part of what makes you you and I don’t see that as a totally bad thing.” He turned around and leaned his back on the bars keeping the playground together shrugging then continuing.” So maybe you need to go through a little character development, a little change of pace, new scenery, and when’s a better time to start than now? It’s your last year and all.”

“You make it sound like I’m going to die after this year.” I look over at him, his head turns a slight smile playing on his lips, his eyes on mine.

“Maybe you will, you’ll never actually know when it could happen, it’s a probability that you should seriously take into consideration.” 

“Now it sounds like you’re going to die.” I let out a half hearted breathy laugh, but stop as I see the twist in Eren’s expression.” You aren’t going to die right?”

“Now that’s a long story.” He looks off. What is he talking about.

“You aren’t going to die? Not after this year at least. You’re just a freshmen. You, how could you die?” My brain is running at maximum speed, my hands are shaking and my legs moving of it’s own accord bouncing in place. 

“You know the world's a shitty place. All these diseases you can get and there’s no promise that the treatments will work. Cancer’s a bitch that way, all the chemo in the world and there’s no promise.” His smile wasn’t wide and breath taking like it had been before, it was sad and laced with contempt.

“You have cancer?”

“Stage three, in my shoulder.” He doesn’t look at me, and my heart breaks. Fantasies of him laughing and saying he’s joking play in my head trying to force out the truth. Eren, the kid who sits awkwardly between my best friends every day, who blushes when I tease him, he’s going to die. But he’s standing next to me now, how can someone so alive die now?

“So you’re going to get treatment done right?” I press, thinking about the way he looked sitting in the courtyard at school the sun making him glow an awfully bright color that had disturbed me then but now made me want, no need to see it again. 

“Is there any point in it? Who says it will even work?”

“Studies say that it works more often than not, and of course there’s a point Eren, you can’t just die. You have so much you can and should live for.” His eyes are piercing and full of emotion when he looks back at me.

“Just like you Levi. You have just as much, and yet you don’t even want to try. You’d rather waste away a life I don’t have.” 

“What do you want from me?” My hands shook and my heart rate was a little elevated. I wasn’t ready for that kind of conversation. 

“Go to the museum with me. Make what I have left worth it.”

“Don’t go saying shit like that, I’m definitely not going,” He huffs and moves away from me.” I’m not going unless you say you’ll get help, and go to treatments.” He stops standing stiffly back to me, he’s thinking, really taking his time in deciding too.

“I will, but you have to come with me.” He’s facing me again getting closer now.” And one last thing, you’ll be my boyfriend.” My heart stopped for a moment.

“Your boyfriend?”

“You know the reason I ran out of that party, wasn’t because I was embarrassed about the girl and her crappy flirting, it was because I had literally just dropped the bomb to my parents and my date, which I why she left halfway through.” So he’s gay.

“And you want me to be your boyfriend?”

“That had sort of been the plan since the beginning, although getting cancer wasn’t apart of the equation.” He shakes his head a small smile on his lips. “ I had planned this whole thing going a little differently you know? Like maybe asking you to prom in a really big way, not here at the park after dropping yet another pretty serious bomb.”

“Please tell me you aren’t some kind of romantic who wants to flaunt around the fact they have a boyfriend to everyone, because I swear if you are this isn’t going to work.” I say moving to walk down the stairs of the playground. So this kid wanted to date me, and somewhere I’m okay with it. He’s cute enough. 

“Hey where are you going?” Eren calls from the top still standing there surprised at my sudden absence.

“The Bob Bullock museum, or are we not going there anymore?” The biggest, brightest and definitely my newest favorite version of his fucking smile spread across his face. He jumped down from the playground ignoring the stairs and almost giving me an actual heart attack. I made sure to give him some real shit for that little display the whole way to the museum. 

One thing Austin’s very fond of is overly priced parking and having little off it in very hard to get to places hidden throughout the city. It took us twenty minutes to find a place that wasn’t too far a walk from the museum and cost a little less than an arm and a leg to park in. The sidewalks and streets were of course filled to capacity with city goers eager to get where they need to go. Eren and I were walking quickly through a crosswalk when this large truck speed up to the line pressuring us to walk faster, I flipped the guy off as Eren grabbed my arm to force me to walk faster. He told me I need to calm down after that and I just flipped him off too, but he laughed and pushed my hand down. 

Boyfriends, that’s what we are now, and here I thought I would be sitting at home all day, but no Eren comes out of fucking nowhere again and pulls me into something else. There’s no way in hell I can let this asshole die. I don’t care how many different treatments he has to try before one works, I will make him try them all, he can’t just disappear now everything's just starting to get good. 

Besides how often does someone like with actually happen to make their way into your life right? A kid filled to the brim with optimism, or was, but he has that stupid ever present smile that I can't for the life of me say a wholehearted no to. I don’t even care anymore though, if it means Eren will get help, go to treatment and at least try not to fucking die on me then I guess I’ll just have to do what he wants. And if he wants me to be there with him for whatever reason, if he wants me to be his boyfriend how can I say no? 

I’d never put too much thought into why I took a liking to him, if you could call it that, Hanji certainly does, and now that I am I don’t really see a reason. It wasn’t just his smile, or the way the seemed to get what I meant even when I wasn’t speaking, that’s right the fucker understands what my glares mean, and they have meaning, although it’s usually a shut the fuck up glare. I don’t understand, but I also don’t really want to, because for some reason he wants to be near me, and god damnit I want to be near him.

He’s so fucking bright, and in the way that I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. But I can’t let him know just how happy it’s actually making me to know this little shit of a freshmen is now my boyfriend. Even with all the shit we’re going to have to deal with after today, as long as he tries to live I think I’ll be happy with whatever happens because at least I have now with him. 

 

My mind wandered most of the way to the museum, so much so that I almost missed when Eren took my hand as we walked up the steps, but I definitely didn’t miss the excited grin he shot me as he told me he wanted a picture in front of the lone star standing way too high above us. I nodded giving him permission, hell I didn’t care really, he wanted a picture he could take 50. I put on my best smile looking at Eren as he snapped the picture, the idiot had stuck his tongue out. 

“That’s going to be my new wallpaper.” He giggled to himself. 

Walking into the museum I was reminded of big this place really was. Three stories of junk and plaques explaining how it relates to Texas History with some American History exhibits mixed in as well. The first floor is completely dedicated to this exhibit of a ship that some oceanographer found in the 70’s. It’s not bad, but it’s been the same exhibit for the last ten years and the first floor is supposed to be a moving exhibition type thing. I didn’t really mind it though and Eren seem thoroughly impressed with the old footage that played silently in the corners.

It took about ten minutes for Eren to finally get bored of the ship and start to wander toward the stairs leading up to the second floors exhibits. A kid ran past him halfway but bumping into him and making him fall a little off balance. I grabbed his waist and held him up steadying him, he laughed and joked about how great a boyfriend I was. It felt like an explosion of fireworks had just gone off inside me when he said boyfriend, his smile burning brightly in the midst of it all. He just kept moving afterward though ready to see exactly what the second floor had. 

Walking off the platform of the stairs there's a half cave wall like structure that has a small “fire” camp diner situation on it. Eren sat down holding his phone out to me silently asking for me to take his picture. He sat there smiling at me, making my heart go a little sporadic. A woman to the side had been watching us and as Eren stood excitedly to come and see what the picture looks like I think she began to get the whole part about us being together. 

“Why don’t you sit down with him? I’ll take the picture for you.” She smiled a slight twinkle in her eyes.

“Would you?” Eren looked way too happy at the thought. He took my hand leading me to the odd looking hearth, pulling me down to sit next to him. He had this giddy expression, and everything as he leaned over to me and whispered with his most genuine southern accent.”When’s pa coming home ma?” I couldn’t even pretend like that wasn’t one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. She got the picture just as I was about to fall over laughing. 

Eren sat there biting his lip to keep from laughing himself as he watched me in wonder. As I came back from the painfully fun laughing fit I had been in I slapped him on the back of the head, and he grinned at me getting up to move on. At some point we stumbled onto a larger Texas sign and of course my little five year old needed a picture, but I had to be in it again. He looked around for someone, anyone to take our picture until he saw a group of girls walking up from the stairs.

“Hey, um, could one of you take our picture?”He smiled for them but it wasn’t like the ones he gives me, more polite and manner ridden than the childish one he usually has. 

“Uh, yeah sure.” One of the girls said blushing while looking Eren over before she took his phone. She stood there for a moment adjusting the camera or something while Eren jumped impatiently and reminded me he wanted me to smile, to which I flipped him off while smiling and that’s when she took the picture.”There you go.” She sqeaked giving Eren his phone back as he said thanks and she replied a small welcome. 

We walked away slowly taking in just about everything. It wasn’t until we go to the Austin City Limits section that Eren pulled his phone out again for another picture. He stopped looking confusedly at the screen, realization falling over his face after a second, he turned to me.

“She gave me her number.” My walking stopped and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He smiled knowingly coming closer to me as the group of girls made their way over to where we’d stopped. He was standing over me, too close to just be friends, his arms fall loosely on my shoulders and I looked up to him “unimpressedly” my hands still in the folds of my jacket pockets. When the whole of the group rounded the corner and the girl was definitely in eye shot I looked over to her as Eren leaned down and kissed me cheek. 

Her eyes went wide as she watched and all her friends had sort of stopped to take in the show as well. Two of them laughed lightly at the display, and other three were seriously shocked. Eren spun me around after that telling me to get into a good position for the picture, afterwards he mocked looking around for someone to take the picture for him, seeing the girl again he went over and asked if she’d take it for him again. She nodded vigorously taking the phone. Again she took a little too long to take the picture. 

When Eren got his phone back he checked to see what she had been doing, she’d deleted her contact and left his notes open with and an apology. Eren ran his arm through mine pulling me along to look at what was left. He had me take three pictures of him in front of the plane, five with the astronaut dummy, and then he saw the postcard wall. 

It’s no secret that Texas has a serious thing for postcards especially Austin. Now when I say postcard wall I mean a postcard wall. Like 50 by 80 (using postcards as a form of measurement.) wall of postcards. I knew as soon as he started turning to me that he was going to want a picture of us in front of it, I just nodded before he could ask. Lucky those girls were still behind us and very willing to volunteer to take our picture. Eren stood next to me under the large Texas hanging in front of the postcards my hand on the small of his back. 

The staircase that take you back down to the ground floor is a large circle, encompassing the whole of the entry way. Eren’s hand in mine we started our descent to the exit. It took us no time at all, Eren talking about how much fun he’d had and the girls group giggling not far behind us occasionally talking about how it was a shame he was so cute and gay. Which was really starting to get to me by the end of the stairs, and as soon as Eren was back in front of the doors to leave I turned around done with hearing them talk about his ass. 

“I can hear you.” They stopped looking at me.”And I’m kind of his boyfriend.” Both the girls who’d been talking shut up but a girl behind them decided to test me.

“We saw, I mean you didn’t really have to do that did you? All because our friend gave him her number.” Eren was coming up to stand next to me now.

“Actually that was all me. I’m honestly really tried of getting girls hitting on me and stuff. And if you’re making Levi uncomfortable then maybe you should respect him when he asks you to stop.” Eren’s face was red and not in the cute blushing way it is when I tease him, no this boy is mad. 

“Look you two are the ones going around flaunting your gay relationship.” Her comeback was weak and completely off topic.

“I’m sorry my boyfriend offended your friend by displaying the fact he is actually in a relationship instead of just ignoring her number all together. But he’s right, I’d rather not listen to you guy talk about him like that, he’s a person.” He face was bright red now, mad and embarrassed. 

“We should go Levi, I’m hungry anyways.” Eren tugged forcefully on my jacket making sure I understood what he was really saying. I did as he wanted leaving on a good note, because honestly it could have gone worst, but then from behind me I heard: “Stupid fags always showing off their relationship just to make everyone else feel weird.” and it wasn’t me who turned around, no Eren flipped around and got right in her face. 

“Where did a pretty girl like you learn to say such things about people? And you told you it was okay to judge people for living their lives? Am I hurting you by being in my relationship? My little display back there wasn’t even that bad, and all it really did was crush a small bead of hope your friend had, she wasn’t completely devoted to the thought of a relationship with me so who did I hurt?” He was definitely mad, and I’m pretty sure I can guess why. He never told me how his parents and date took him being gay. 

“Eren, I’m going to leave now, if you don’t come with me I can’t promise you’ll get home.” I moved down the rest of the stairs looking around to see the small crowd of onlookers to our fight. Eren was shaking with anger and he stomped down the stairs like a child. His arm rammed through mine pulling me closer. From behind us I heard the girl trying to get more of a rise out of us, but then one of the one lookers said something about her going to hell and the girl shut up.

“I’m sorry Levi.” Eren whispered as we walked down the street undisturbed by the people around us, still too close to be anything but boyfriends. I sighed stopping and turning him to me.

“Believe it or not I really want to be with you Eren. Those girls weren’t anything new, and they won’t be the last. I was just sort of annoyed already, you woke me up pretty early anyway. I was holding in a lot.” He smiled.

“Did you even want to take any of those pictures?” He was joking and he knew it but when I answered he looked back over to me as we started walking again.

“I’d take all the pictures you wanted me to.” He seemed to like my answer, as he hmm and kept walking.

It didn’t take us long to get to where I’d decided to eat, Gus’s chicken was undoubtedly one of the best chicken places I’d ever been to. Eren seemed genuinely happy with my choice as we asked for a table for two, waiting for a few minutes and then being seated. Eren sat across from me looking around and taken in everything outside as well as inside. Austin is a beautiful place. I like the city more at night personally, but right now with Eren was my favorite. His eyes were big and the crystal like sea green of them was undeniably brighter. 

Our food took awhile to get out to us and we sat relatively quiet enjoying each other silently. At some point his feet became entangled with mine his eyes still roaming people watching probably, but I just watched him. It wasn’t until our waiter came with our food that Eren noticed I’d been staring at him and not also people watching. His cheek heated to a bright pink. The waiter looked between us and smirked as if he knew. 

“Let me know if you two need anything, like a room maybe.” Eren choked on his drink and I looked smugly back at the guy as he walked off. 

“Stop staring.” Eren whispered pulling me back. Did he honestly think I was watching someone else in front of him?

“I’m not. I was thinking.” I counter.

“Thinking about some other guy's ass.”

“Thinking about your ass, stupid. He did just offer a room.” Eren’s eyes were wide and surprised in the best way. I was definitely going to get used to this. I moved my foot brushing it up and down his leg, getting a smile in return from him. 

“You’re horrible, but I like it.” He shook his head looking down at his food. 

It took us about an hour to finally find the car again, not that I minded though Eren had fun talking my ear off, and that happens to be something I would gladly let him do anytime. Eren has this voice that I just can’t seem to get enough of. A soothingness to it, possibly my new favorite voice, sorry Morgan Freeman. The ride home was long and quiet until Eren brought up the inevitable.

“We’re going to have to talk about it you know.” He whispered it looking out the front windshield. 

“Yeah we are, but wouldn’t you rather do that at home?” I switched lanes to get over into the left turn only momentarily looking at Eren.

“My house is a fucking shit show right now.” He sighed pulling his legs up to his chest and covering his face with his hands. 

“I figured as much, you seemed really overly heated at that girl. Tell me about it.” I pulled off onto the sleeve of the road parking the car and turned to Eren.

“Okay so it was Homecoming night at the football game and I was just kinda hanging and everything. My sister was running around pretending like she wasn’t following me and everything. I think she was really worried cause the game was against the high school I would have been going to if we hadn’t moved last year. Anyway before I could really help it she’d followed me all the way over to the visitors stands, and well I was exactly meeting a friend from school back there.” He looked down fiddling with his fingers.

“Your boyfriend?” I asked trying to get the whole story.

“My ex, we’d started dating not too long after I started noticing I liked guys and well I just really wanted to know if it was true so I tried dating him. Anyway that was a circus of a relationship and in the end we kinda didn’t stay friends. When he heard that they’d be playing us in football he’d texted me to ask if I’d see him so he could say sorry in person. I thought it was a nice gesture and all so I said sure and told him I’d come see him, but I wasn't expecting him to kiss me. Which is the only part Mikasa saw.” He breathed out tired and drained of emotion as he continued.”Mikasa’s shit at keeping secrets like that from my parents, anything monumental about me has to be common knowledge within ten minutes of her finding out, and that’s exactly what happened.”

“My parents didn’t take it well. My mom has this thing with religion and crap and my dad just doesn’t think it’s normal. Mikasa says she’s fine with it but I’m not, I’m not okay with her doing that. And now to add to the stress of everything I have cancer so that’s some fucking grade a shit right here.” He flopped his arms down forcefully leaning back into his seat. I know now’s not the time but it still feels really good to say things like that. My passenger seat his where he belongs. He belongs in the position closest to me, and I love it.

“Okay, well I’ll be there with you.” He eyes locked onto mine, clearly looking for something, and it seems like he’s found it too, he smiles.

“Yeah.” Is all he says and that sends me back onto the road and toward his house. It doesn’t take long to get there and he doesn’t live far from me two streets over actually. He looks tense and scared as we pull up in front of his house. His eyes dart around as if he’s never seen it before.

“This is it, right?” I ask pulling his attention back to me, he nods shortly before getting out. He stands by his door waiting for me and then takes my hands as we walk up to his front door.

There’s a sweetly over scented smell that comes bursting from the open door. A shoe rack at the front, a mirror and a few family pictures is what greets you immediately upon entry. Eren closes the door behind us taking off his shoes and looking back to me, he nods taking my hand again. We walk further into his house it definitely isn’t lacking a woman's touch. The smell of the flowery popery is overwhelming and I feel a little dizzy. The walls are a cream color and the floor a dark carpet, my feet move soundlessly over. 

It almost seems like no one’s here, everything so peaceful, but there’s an odd tension in the air that isn’t coming from Eren. It’s like a sick presence that they’re trying to cover up with homey bullshit. News flash it isn’t working. The lights in the kitchen are on and the smell of pine sol becomes very pungent the closer we get. I get the feeling whoever’s cleaning had the same problem I do, I clean when I’m stressed or when I just can’t deal with the world. Huffs and puffs of self exertion can be heard faintly as we walk into the kitchen. Eren’s mom is huddled over cleaning the floor vigorously, so much so that she didn’t notice us until Eren cleared his voice. His hand still in mine as she looked up, he looked like he could honestly have died at that moment. 

His mother's face did the same stark white terror expression he’s had at that party a few months ago, Eren’s hand shook in mine, I squeezed it reassuringly. Slowly her face became to take on a more defensive look like she was preparing to have something really horrible happend to her, like shot maybe. She put her nose up a condescending way, telling me that she wasn’t willing to actually listen anything we had to say. 

“Mom, this is Levi. He’s my boyfriend.” He looked at me at the end as if making sure what he said was true. I nodded, pulling my other hand out of my jacket pocket and extending it toward the woman still on the ground.

“Levi Ackerman, I go to school with Eren, I’m a senior.” I say still holding my head out challengingly watching her reaction. She seemed to be in the middle of a very deep internal battle, but after a second she took my hand curtly and let go. 

“Carla Jeager, Eren’s mother. So you’re not just a boy but an older boy.” She looked me over.

“Mom.” Eren was not happy with his mother’s reaction, he moved forward a little and I put my hand I’d previously been holding out on his shoulder keeping him composed. 

“Yes, I am both a boy and older than Eren. I should tell you your son is a really fantastic person. You’ve raised him well.” Eren smiled sheepishly next to me, but that smile was taken away all too soon by his mother, I just had enough to memorize it.

“Not well enough evidently. If I had you wouldn’t be here with him like that. Honestly Eren I thought we talked about this.” She sound exasperated, shaking her head.”We said you could keep this little rebellious act up as long as you didn’t bring any of those type of people home with you.”

“What type of people ma’am?” My mouth moved before my head could.

“Your kind of people. Those people with problems they don’t want to deal with so they say they’re gay and throw it around just to make everyone else uncomfortable, did you ever think about how your actions make you look?” Her fake concerned look really pissed me off.

“Oh, you’re right I didn’t I’m sorry Eren I just realized, being with you it’s bad cause it might look like I’m in love, and heaven forbid that happen.” Ere smiled widely at my sarcastic comment. “We just came to tell you Eren won’t be home for awhile, and that we’ll be looking for treatment options for his cancer, you will be getting to bill however as his legal guardian.” I looked at Eren pointedly, basically telling him not to question what’s going on right now, and he gave me a miniature nod. “Go pack, okay?” And he left after that running up stairs looking back once at me as he did, as if wondering if I’ll be okay down here alone with his mom.

She looked at me like I was some kind of disease ridden rat that she’d found in her kitchen in the middle of the night. I swayed back and forth on the balls of my feet waiting for Eren to be done packing. I whistled a little looking around the kitchen. A spot off to the side of where his mother was still sitting was noticeably still uncleaned. I pointed behind her and said:”Missed a spot.” just as Eren came running down again. 

He came walking quickly over to me, he grabbed my arm looked at his mom told her her loved her and set off pulling me yet again out another door. His smile was one of the happiest I’d ever seen as he put his shit in my back seat. He once again jumped into his seat, my passenger seat, and we were off again this time to my house. 

“You didn’t have to do that Levi.” He said as we got out in front of my place.

“Like hell I was going to let you stay there with people like that. You’re my boyfriend and no one treats you like that.” His blush was hard and so fucking cute. I pushed his stuff from his hands pulling his head down to an easier height for me to manage and kissed him slow and desperately, hoping it said everything I couldn’t.


	2. rainy daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly with the light from one of the higher windows hitting him in just the right way I realized just how badly I wanted to stay right here by his side. Funnily enough he was checking out some appliances not even looking at me, but it made me think about what it would be like to see him standing there half dressed pulling out cookies from that oven and turning to smile at me. That was enough to have me sold on whatever treatment that doctor gave me. If it meant being here with him forever, why would I turn it down?
> 
> song of the chapter: Won't go home without you- Maroon 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, no warning for language that was used last chapter. There's isn't any of that this chapter just a lot of contemplation about death and dying. By the way really pay attention to the archive warnings I've listened, gives major hints. My poor baby Levi this chapter gets put through the ringer. Eren gets his shit together mostly though so good news.

Eren had officially been living at my house for two days, it wasn’t hard to convince my Aunt and Uncle to let him stay, not that they really cared that he was there. We still hadn’t really gone over the whole cancer thing with them though, it seemed better to confine ourselves to our now shared bedroom and research options that way. For the most part Eren seemed fine, only complaining about mild pain, it wasn’t until the third day when he could barely move that I started to really get the idea of what this is going to be like. 

It was definitely time to spill the beans on this little secret, so as Eren slept to try and relieve some of the pain I went down to talk to my Aunt about it. Amy was sitting in the living room only half watching some random reality tv show that she’d found while doing laundry. Uncle Kenny does some shit or rather for a big company so Amy doesn’t have to do anything really and she stays at home doing just that everyday, it’s weird. She didn’t seem to really notice me until the commercial break. 

“How is he?” She looked up, I was a little taken aback by her question.

“How..?”

“Please Levi, I could hear you two arguing about it, he doesn’t want you to say anything, right? Tell him he’s being stupid. You know my mom used to take care of Hospice patients.” She smiled fondly.

“Eren is not a Hospice patient, He has stage three bone cancer in his shoulder and refuses to actually do something about it.” I responded impatiently, wasn’t it part of the deal that he gets treatment for this shit? It’s not like I can really break up with him now, but threatenings not bad right? Maybe it will give him the drive to get his ass out of my fucking bed and doing something about the fact he’s literally dying. 

“So he’s stubborn, huh? Why don’t you pretend to be taking him on a date and go to the hospital instead?”

“Great plan, but which hospital? Which doctor do we go to? How far will we have to go to get him what he needs? And if he isn’t willing then there’s nothing the doctors can do.” I look around the stupid house wondering when all the decision became my responsibility, I guess I know when, it was at the park when I told him we were dating. Eren was going to be one of those more than you bargained for type of people, but I didn’t really mind. Eren was just as scared as I was and hell if I’m going to let him see me cracking under the pressure. I shook myself out releasing tension in my muscles, now is not the time to freak out, we need a plan, a real plan. 

“Are you asking for help Levi?” She looked starry eyes and hopeful and it made me sick to answer her with a nod. 

“I am, but only because Eren’s being a serious pain in the ass. So what do we do?” My temper was not to be soothed soon as she giddily got up and almost hopped most of the way to the computer room. We all had our own laptops and everything so I never really understood the computer room, that is until now, it’s private, secluded, and best of all no distractions. 

“So what we need to know is the who, what, when, where and why of bone cancer and Physicians who activity treat bone cancer.” She sounded so matter of fact and sure of herself that for a moment I was relieved she’d decided to help. That moment was every short lived as I heard Eren calling for me a room away. I seriously thought I’d given him enough benadryl to keep him asleep for three days. 

“Coming,” I called back looking at Amy.”Please do this for me, and keep it quiet.” I sighed turning to leave. Eren was sitting up on my bed rubbing his shoulder and looking like actual death. Something in me told me he’d probably been pretending to be okay the last few days. “You’re a real asshole you know that.” I said catching his off guard, he must have been thinking he could trick me into believing another one of his lies. 

“What are you talking about Levi?” He tried to play off his rubbing as stretching. 

“You’re really hurting and you won’t let me help you.” I looked at him and notice the dark circles growing needlessly under his eyes. 

“If you wanted to help you’d come over here and lay down with me.” He patted the area next to him.

“That’s not going to help me keep you from dying. You said If I went with you you would get help so get some help Eren or I swear to God I’ll leave you. I don’t like this Eren who thinks it’s okay to sit around and waste away in my bed, leaving me slowly like he doesn’t even care.” My breathing was rapid and uneven., and he stared at me with the most pained expression I’d ever seen. 

“You wouldn’t leave me.” He finally said.

“I would, because I can’t sit here and watch you waste away and not do anything. So if that is what you’ve decided to to I’m sorry but you’ll have to leave.” I started to move to pick up his things quickly, hands shaking. He moved so fast, getting out of bed and over to me in record time, his arms around me stopping me from moving. 

“Levi don’t do it.” He was shaking now too. I swallowed.

“Then get help.” His head found its way to the crook of my neck and he nuzzled into me.

“Okay.” Was all he said.   
We spent the next week looking for the best place for Eren, it took way too long, but we finally found a place not too far away. It took three phone calls to get the right department and two redirections to get the guys assitant, but when we finally got him and set an appointment for the next open time it was like a huge relief, Eren was going to be fine now, and all we needed to do was deal with his pain until then. Which was easier said than done. He moaned and groaned most of everyday, only lightly complaining to me, but when his sister came over he would throw a huge tantrum and talk about how much everything really hurt. 

He only thinks I can’t hear him from the living room as they had their little sibling thing they did alone together. Yeah she comes over to my house and kicks me out of my room to talk to her brother, she even gives me menacing glares every time I check in to see if they need anything, but Eren lights up like a christmas tree and gives me this grin that makes me want to kiss him. He’s really just too cute. I stay behind a for a little while after checking this time just to listen. 

“Eren, you should just come home already, mom said she was sorry about how she treated your friend.”His sister said.

“Mikasa, I told you I don’t want to go back, Levi’s Aunt and Uncle are being nice enough to let me stay here with Levi and that’s all I really want. Plus they’re helping me with treatment and everything.”He sounded both sad and happy.

“You know Mom and Dad would help you too, so why do you need him? He’s not even family, you need to stop this. You’re taking it all too far now. I don’t care if you think you like guys…” I opened my door, done listening to this shit.

“He doesn’t just think he knows, and whatever you know about us is wrong. Eren doesn’t want to go back and live with you because you say stuff like that. We found a really nice treatement place for him and everything. Besides I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t even be into the whole treatment idea if any of you brought it up to him, it took me a week.” I moved over to Eren who was holding his arms out to me as soon as I walked in, letting him pull me onto the bed with him unfazed by his sister's presence. 

“Levi and I are actually really happy together. And He’s right the only reason I agreed to go was because Levi was threatening to leave me if I didn’t.” He was looking at me and I could definitely tell he was, he kissed my cheek when I didn’t look at him. 

“I, Eren how can you say something like that?” His sister's eyes were on him and only him. 

“Because Mikasa, I just, I don’t really care, unless it’s Levi.” Now I look at him but he’s looking anywhere but me. 

“That’s not fair Eren.” Mikasa whispered.

“What’s not fair is you going and telling everyone about me, going and blabbing your mouth again like always. It should have been my decision when and where and how, but you took it from me. So don’t go saying that now when I’m taking control of how my life goes it’s unfair.” I’d seen Eren mad before, but it always made me uneasy. Eren wasn’t the mad type, he was the cuddles in sweaters that were too big for you while watching a movie type. That’s the Eren I knew all too well, but angry distressed Eren I didn’t know. His hands held onto my waist tighter as if I might disappear. 

“You can’t keep holding that against me, it’s better for everyone to know.” Her voice was pleading but I had a feeling Eren didn’t care. He was most likely leaving angry little marks on me and he really didn’t care. He was too mad to care, he was done with this conversation and so was I. 

“I think you should leave.” I said steadily, trying to get out of Eren’s iron grip. 

“I think you should mind your own damn business. Eren is my brother and if I want to see him I have a right to.” the indigence in her voice was thick. 

“And if he doesn’t want to see you?” Her eyes were wide and wild. She was definitely planning some hate filled remark when Eren told her to leave like I’d said. She sat and looked at us for a few minutes really taking everything in before she got up.

“Armin’s been looking for you by the way.” Was her last reply as she left. 

Eren didn’t seem too into doing much of anything after she left. He slept for awhile and I did work for school. Christmas wasn’t far away, I still hadn’t told Eren it was my birthday either. He was undoubtedly going to be severely pissed at me, but I needed to have a little fun somehow right, and if Eren refuses to go out and do something with me then I’ll have to find something fun to do at home. Speaking of home, it’s been almost a week since break started and Hanji hasn’t once tried to break my door down. Which is highly unusual, there was more than likely something going down. 

I found exactly what had been going down that night when Hanji came knocking on my door just at ten pm. Her hair was always a mess so that wasn’t new, but the dark circles under her eyes told me some serious shit went down somewhere along the way of her getting here. She sighed unable to even put up an everything's okay front. I nodded letting her in. I didn’t even think about the fact that Eren was half naked laying in my bed watching shitty anime while eating shitty junk food even though I’d told him I didn’t like it when he ate in the bed. I didn’t think of how I’d explain it or how Hanji would take it. 

At least until she was standing in the doorway looking in on Eren as he sat motionless and wide eyed. She threw her stuff on the ground reached underneath my bed, pulled of the second mattress and laid down asking Eren what he was watching. He looked at me quizzically as if I knew why Hanji had shown up, and I shrugged. Hanji decided to tell us exactly what was up after a few awkward minutes. 

“Dad got drunk again, threw some shit around, I didn’t really feel like staying any longer. The family's all here and that means it time for me not to be. So Eren and you finally got together good. Didn’t expect ya to be living together yet though.” She didn’t seem to care much for what we were all now watching and neither did Eren or I. 

“Eren forced me into dating him.” I said teasingly. Eren caught on quickly.

“Only cause I’m dying.” I actually really hadn’t expected that. Was he ready to tell Hanji? Or did he feel pressured to explain our situation?

“Dying of?” Hanji didn’t seem fazed in the least, taking it in strides as she moved to look up at Eren.

“Cancer, in my shoulder. Levi’s making me go get help though. Doesn’t want me to die or something.” He shrugged. He definitely knew I didn’t want him to die. Why did he seem so distant right now?

“Eren, stop talking like that.” I said moving away from him slightly. It wasn’t like I hadn’t noticed the changes in Eren recently it’s just that I’d hoped they’d fade away like memories or something. I didn’t like seeing him so resolutely waiting for death while sitting next to me. It made everything seem so tainted. Like everything really was numbered and he’d be gone in no time. 

He was starting to seem like a star in the sky, still burning brightly but really far away where it used to sit is nothing just faint glimmers of gas that used to be the star. Eren was my star, hell he was all my stars and there was no way in hell I’d ever be ready to see all those lights go out, but here he was fizzling and what could I do. What should I do? How do you pick up someone else’s pieces? 

Eren’s trusting me with so much of him, he’s giving me all of what he thinks will be the last of his life. How is someone supposed to take that? He’s saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But why me? I don’t do anything particularly amazing, so who would want their last memories to be with me? Eren’s talking again with Hanji now, but I really can’t seem to find any meaning in their words. It was something about how crappy life was and how he didn’t feel like doing it anymore, and Hanji was nodding along, but my world was falling apart. 

Eren didn’t want to live anymore for whatever reason, and all I wanted was for him to live, I wanted him to live and grow to an disgustingly old age with me. I want to live, with him in some cookie cutter house in the suburbs, waking up and seeing him next to me, making breakfast and failing so he stops me. I’m shaking now completely out of the conversation, a million miles away in my head. Eren, my Eren, was ready and willing to leave me so soon. 

Who would sit shotgun next to me? No one could replace him, not that stupid smile or the pictures. What does he think will happen to me with him gone? I wouldn’t be me anymore, I haven’t been the me he walked in on at the beginning of the year. It’s only been a little less than three months but he’s all I think about. All I do is sit here with him everyday, and we talk and he tells me everything there is to know about him. Why would he do something like this to me?

The lights are out now, Hanji and Eren asleep, both having missed my melt down. How lucky of them to be unaware of other people. My body ached and mind felt stagnate, but I needed to get out of the suffocating air in my room. Eren’s body was too close to mine, and really right now I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. If this boy really wanted to die why was I trying to stop him? 

I shuffled quietly out of bed, rummaged around in my drawer a little for some real clothes, pajamas were not going to shield me from the frigid cold of the outdoors. I slipped my shoes one at the front door admiring the silence of a sleeping house. I took my keys with me locking the door behind me. I walked for a long time not really looking back, or thinking just walking, in the end I found myself in front of the school, climbing the stairs to the entrance and going down a slightly hidden hallway that lead to the court yard. 

That’s when I started thinking about that week in September that we spent sitting outside, and Eren from then, had he known that everything would be like this now? That he’d be dying slowly in my bed? Or had he still dreamed of asking me to prom? I think I would have said yes, and then I’d have danced with him all night. I’d dance with him now if he wanted. Take him by the waist and teach him to waltz like my mom taught me. He’d be a stumbling mess clinging to me for support and I’d take the lead laughing when he’s step on my foot. 

He’d be blushing, his hold on me unwavering, eyes alight with wonder, and then the topper on this already perfect daydream a little bit of whispered sweet nothings, in french of course to throw him off. That’s another thing Eren didn’t know about me, I’m fluent in french as well as english, and I can dance. I also play the piano, and write poetry. I can draw and clean like nobodies business, but I can’t stop him from dying, not by myself, and it’s no good if he doesn’t want to live. 

What’s so bad about living? I mean sure right now his parents are being horribly unfair and unaccepting but things like that take time. And even if he thinks cancer is his end all be all it isn’t. It’s just a road bump, so why isn’t he putting up a fight? Because some unimportant girl said shit about us? Who cares, whatever stick he’s shoved up his ass better come out soon because I’m not watching this shit show go down. If he really truly doesn’t want to live I’ll let him do what he wants, but that means I don’t have to keep my promise, no matter how much I want to, it’s not fair to me to have to hold his hand wishing he wasn’t dying and have him deciding to die anyways.

I feel a few droplets of water hit my face as I stand looking up at angry gray clouds, waiting for them to do what I can’t. To drop tiny beads of water down onto the Earth, and then I can cry, when no one can see me, even in this sleeping world I have to wait to be alone and under a downpour of water to cry. So I do, I break down and cry holding onto myself the only thing I truly have in this world. I cry until the rain gets harder and then I dance a waltz with my imaginary Eren. 

The Eren in my head who isn’t willing to die, and wants to wake up on sunday to drive around for no reason. An Eren I can give flowers to and say beautiful things about in french and have him try and fail to respond. My Eren the one from the park who jumped down instead of going down the stairs. He kissed me on the cheek to prove I was his to some girl he didn’t know and who had been trying to hook up with him. He was smiling and overly awake and I was the one sleep deprived and unwilling but now he laid in bed keeping me locked down with him. 

What happened to the way he smiled in front of that postcard wall? 

I was soggy and cold, but it felt right, like this is how I should always be. Drained of any emotion and ready to lay down and sleep yet another day away I walked home leaving my dream Eren back at that courtyard where he could always remain. The sun had come unnoticed into the sky shining through winter clouds occasionally, and as I unlocked the front door I could already hear the panicked dancing of the people inside. I heard my name repeatedly being said and a collective gasp as I walked in. 

 

My whole body was completely flush, pale wet skin dripping onto the hardwood floors. I squeaked as I walked but I didn’t stop. Not one of their questioning gazes caught mine and so I said nothing. I had no reason to apologize for leaving, plus not one of them had noticed until they woke up so why bother? I do understand that leaving a note would have been the polite thing to do, and maybe taking my phone with me would have made sense too, but too much about how I feel didn’t make sense anymore so I just didn’t have the will to care. 

The Eren who’d come to be my life partner was trying to get my attention but words were really just lost on me at this point. My back to everyone and sights on the bathroom I moved through the house of commotion that I’d left as one of peaceful serenity. I pulled my clothes off, liking the way the fabric stuck to me as if it didn’t want to leave, if only Eren could be like that. With the hot water all the way up I stepped into the shower. The scorching burn of the water a jarring shock to my cold body. I stood unmoving for a few minutes counting the tiles on the shower wall. 

After awhile my vision went a little blurry and by the time I snapped back the water was cold again. I decided it’d be good to wash myself now. It felt like seconds but it’d definitely been longer as I stepped out of the shower. I dried myself and walked out of the bathroom miming to myself the way my favorite song was played on the piano. Everyone was sitting in the front room stone still and waiting for a good explanation, I shrugged continuing my one man concert in my head. 

My room was the same of course, but noticeably occupied by one more person the majority of the time. It felt like someone else room entirely to be honest. Books and all like some other dimensions Levi’s room. Pulling out clothes to put on was weird, looking through them all, I threw a few pieces behind me starting a give away pile as I looked for something to wear. My motions were like a routine, shirt after shirt unfolding, scrutinizing, throwing or folding again.

An hour had past without me knowing, and I had yet to give anyone so much as a hello. My pile of unwanted clothes stacked high, I pulled out a plastic bag and stuffed them inside. I had decided on wearing all my darkest clothes because it’s what felt right. For some reason I felt like I was going to a funeral today anyway. I packed everything up grabbing my keys on the way out yet again, but before I could leave Eren asked If I’d come back.

I pulled everything in a little closer, in reality again for a moment. I looked, like really looked around. Unnecessarily high ceiling, light gray paint, an ikea furniture set, a few pictures on the walls, no flowery smell to mask the troubled family's problems. Would I come back? I mean last night I was definitely a different Levi, and the me now will always be slightly different from the one who left. So what about Eren will he come back? But he can’t really do that if he’s dead right? Without a clear answer in my head I shrugged and opened the door. 

I had just finished closing the trunk with all those stupid clothes I never wore when Eren came running out the door he straightened up when he saw me still in the driveway. Had he planned on running after my car as I drove away? Looked from me to the car and back, asking in his silent way if he can come with me. I shrugged again, again it’s all that felt right for me at the moment. He was in his seat, adjusting it to lean further down, allowing him to lay back slightly. He looked pleased with the thought of being out with me, and for a second looked like the Eren I’d left at the courtyard this morning. 

How sickly sweet was this, to get what I’ve wanted only to realize it’s not. He’s resigned to fate while I’m beginning to question it. Here I was minding my own business wallowing and all that and Eren some sunshine ass sucker with a smile a mile wide comes into my world and breaks it all down only to become so poser wannabe version of the Levi he’d only dreamed of knowing. 

Goodwill wasn’t a far drive from the house, but I got the feeling I was going to keep driving until I was somewhere far from the house, but I stopped there first. They should just know I want the flipping receipt when I come driving up, the tax revenue on those things are real and important. Look at me the responsible almost adult. Here in, hmm, how long is it now? Who cares? I get back into the driver's seat opening and closing the glove compartment, it’s where I stash my receipts. I pull out of there and get back onto the main road leading out of town. 

Eren looked out the window as we past all the familiar places we knew all too well. I wasn’t in the mood for stopping and I think Eren could pick up on that ‘cause he stayed quiet and didn’t bother me by changing the radio station over and over again. We were an hour away from home by the time I was ready to take a break from driving. I looked around to see if there was anything to do all the way out here, and sure enough spotted something I was sure would both surprise and impress Eren. 

We were going to look at model homes. Now let me start of with the fact that I love houses. New ones are the best, doesn’t matter the style or construction value, new houses are a passion of mine. So it’s safe to say model homes are something I sincerely look forward to. They’re all so clean and shiny. Filled with company representatives, but nice to look at. It’s nice to imagine you know, having a house like this one or that one, and since Eren was into the whole dying thing imagining was all I was going to get.

Eren seemed to perk up a little as he noticed me slowing down and getting into the turn lane. I sat there for awhile blinker on and waited for traffic to slow down. I took the turn after a white suburban past finally getting my chance. Eren’s attention had been fully captivated by what we were going to be doing now. He looked over the model homes a glimmer of the boy I was so in love with crossing his face. He was cute in a kissable way, and a dorable in a fuckable way. 

I parked just outside the first house, pulling myself out of the car. Eren jumped out behind me following as I walked into the first house. I’m greeted by a pleasantly sterile smell, like a hospital. Eren beamed at the representative standing behind the kitchen island making coffee.

“Ah the first couple of the day. I hope you don’t mind I just opened the doors so coffee’s not quite ready yet.” His smile was oddly genuine and welcoming in a way I’d never imagined a salesman’s to be. 

“That’s okay. We just came for a quick look around.” I said starting my self guided tour of the house. He just kept smiling, taking in the way Eren seem really interested in everything I was doing. It was then that I realized that was the first time I’d spoken all day. It felt good. Two in the afternoon and this is the first time I’ve said anything. 

Eren ghosted me through the first floor pointing at minor things and looking at me to make sure I was paying attention. I was, very closely actually, to everything he was doing. This was my play pretend with Eren, he wasn’t dying of cancer, and we were living happily as so old fart married couple. It was when we got up stairs that Eren started talking. Saying small things about the color of the walls or the position of the beds. I listened to him and nodded along, point out things I did like about the lay out. 45 minutes later we were moving houses. 

 

In my imagination it was because we were adopting our first kid and needed more space. Eren walked in and was suddenly completely unable to move. I looked around him to see what was so wrong but the moment I did I realized nothing was wrong, he really liked this house, and I did too. He walked into the middle doing a circle in the middle to take it in, while I walked into the kitchen, checking the appliances. I hmm in approval and turned around to see Eren staring at me. I looked at him confused by the expression he was making, I looked away first a little insecure because he kept staring. I walked into the middle of the space too, everything about the house was open and airy, living flowing to dining and kitchen a wall at the back with a hallway in the middle. The hallway was lined with four doors, the first one I opened was a walk in pantry, the second a coat closet, the third on the other side was a mudroom/laundry combo, and the fourth a half bath. The hallway ended in a door to the back yard. A turn and I’m back out in the open air living area, a large L sofa set in the middle dividing the room nicely. The dining tables a little weird but Eren likes it. Moving up the stairs and onto the second floor there’s three rooms a master, and two smaller rooms. The master is huge and has an ensuite bath and walk in closet, the two smaller bedrooms have separate closets but a jack and jill bathroom. There was not one complaint from Eren about the color of any of the rooms, nor the way they were decorated. 

My eyes wandered around making sure we hadn’t missed anything when I notice a conspicuously placed door hidden from view. I pointed it out to Eren and soon he was pulling it open. On the other side stood a wall of glass with an a joining roof of glass. A greenhouse on the side of the house. I’d never thought about that before, but now that I am waking up to find Eren’s made breakfast and set in out on the table in the greenhouse while the kids play somewhere sounds great. Too good, like something that could never happen, and it wouldn't, couldn’t because Eren doesn’t want to live to see that so poor Levi’s stuck here daydreaming. 

I look around taking a deep breath, when I look at Eren his eyes are watery and his sniffling as if holding in tears. My chest tightens and I reach for him pulling him into me. In my dreams this is our house, and he’s still waking up beside me years from now as we grow and become old and ugly together. Me and him, he and I, us, like this, and now tears are at my eyes, but I have to be strong there’s no rain coming to save me right now. 

“Levi?” Eren’s voice is too small, too breathy, but I hear him and nod, because there no way I can keep the tears out of my voice. “I want this.” My heart stops, waiting for the rest of his breathy words as he holds back his own tears.” I want to wake up, in a house, like this with you, everyday.” He’s really crying now, head buried in the space between my neck and shoulder. He breathes in quickly and randomly heaving to try and calm himself down. I pull him into me completely, unable to keep up this exterior any long I cry too. 

We cry like that for a while unaware of the small audience we’d gotten. But when Eren pulls away and kisses me I don’t care about them anymore. Eren wants this with me, so does that mean he wants to live? My brain was on a completely different page from Eren’s because the next thing I knew Eren was saying marry me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the actual hell does Eren think he's doing going around saying shit like that. Not in my house.


	3. emotionally unstable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being out with Armin all day had been great, like really great, but I was ready to lay down and watch crappy tv with Levi. It was nice to walk into his house and know it was my home as well. Anywhere really could be considered my home as long as Levi was there, but something felt off. Walking in everything was fine, but going into Levi and I's room was like being crushed under a steam roller. Levi was sitting next to Hanji and Erwin, with Hanji's arms wrapped protectively around him as he gasped through tears. My heart was a wreck, he was crying and I'd just walked in on it. What had happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Eren and Levi are going through some placement issues. It's hard enough to start and new relationship but Eren's also dealing with cancer. So you have to think that he's feeling really crap. It's kinds depressing. You have all you've been wanting but then there's the jab in the gut when you remember that your body literally hates you. 
> 
> Song this chapter: Immortals (remix) - Fall Out Boy. 
> 
> Also don't get used to all this updating, by the time school starts on monday you probably won't see a lot of me. I've been really nice so far.

It had been three day since Eren’s little outburst at the model home, after his slip up he rushed out an apology explaining that he wasn’t really asking me to marry him only to see that they all already had their phones out to capture our magical moment. I mean it’s not everyday you go into a model home, house searching and find a cute young gay couple crying and then kissing only to hear marry me and then don’t actually marry me. To be completely honest I’m happy Eren hadn’t actually asked me, not that I’d be opposed to marrying him but we really didn’t need something like that going on right now. 

For now I was sleeping well enough with the thought of Eren wanting to live and actually taking the thought of treatment seriously. It sucked that the first opening that douche doctor had was in the new year but it was better than nothing. Eren was sleeping next to me breath slow and peaceful when the doorbell rang startling him into real world. He looked so offended as his eyes cleared and he focused on me, a lazy smile moved its way onto his face. I took his chin and pull his mouth to mine kissing him good morning.

Hanji came banging at the door not two seconds later saying Eren had a visitor. One eyebrow raise I told Hanji to let them in. A cute little blonde boy came bouncing in afterward. His eyes were wide and his mouth set in a I-aim-to-please sort of way. He wasn’t anything spectacular to look at but then again I was totally bias at this point seeing as I couldn’t keep myself away from Eren. Speak of, he was struggling quite adorably to try and release himself from the sheets. I laughed and helped him as best I could as he flailed around. Once out of the annoying restraints he pounced on the blonde boy, not even giving a second thought to only being in his underwear. 

Not that I’m complaining, but he’s definitely gotten a lot more comfortable with everyone in the house. Hanji’s been living here for a few day now as well, which isn’t bad, or awkward just new. And she really doesn’t seem to mind Eren skipping around in nothing, nor do my Aunt or Uncle strangely enough so I don’t say anything either. If the kid wants to be naked so be it. But I will not be making or keeping any falsely accused promises that something sexual won’t happen if he does indeed start walking around naked. We’re both still very young and very eager to do just about anything.

Anyway Eren was still planted firmly on top of the blonde boy as he tried to say something that got all jumbled up because of the fact that Eren’s chest was seriously plastered against the kid’s face, but Eren laughed so I laughed. It was just another one of those things about Eren and I, when he laughed I laughed and vice versa. We’d gotten pretty close after the model home tours making the already pretty good relationship we’d had just that much better. I think it was the crying that really made things different.

Before that I’d thought that I need to stay strong and give Eren this unhumanly version of myself, one that could cope and deal with everything really well so that Eren didn’t have to feel all the pressure, but as much as he needs that he also needs to know how much I really care. The way I was before made it seem like I wasn’t all too fazed by any of it, sort of like going through the motions but now, Eren sits and talks to me about it. Not in a tantrum like with Mikasa, but in a calmed way, which is nice.

Eren’s laughing again because of another mumbled comment into his chest. He releases the boy and gets up to put something on. Blondie is sitting there in my desk chair with the reddest blush I’d seen in awhile, he looked over my room dodging both the corner I sat in and the one Eren was getting dressed in. Isn’t he just a cutie, embarrassed and flustered. I smirked and let out a huff of a laugh, the kid’s eyes meet mine for a second before they ducked down to the floor. He blushed a deeper shade of red, who is this amazing kid?

“Armin quit creeping my boyfriend out geez.” Armin, huh? The kid went pale now unable to come up with anything to say to Eren.

“Don’t go getting jealous Eren it’s not very becoming.” I said catching the boy’s attention again, his eyes were still wide but this time with a new found curiosity.”Armin, is it? You’re Eren best friend?” He nods in replience to my questions. 

“Yes, we’ve been friends since he moved here at the end of eighth grade.” He looked at Eren as if to ask if it was okay to tell me this, when Eren didn’t stop him he continued.”Actually we spent the summer together, he made me show him around and all. I remember this one day we were walking around looking for something to do and we saw you…” Armin now had Eren’s hand covering his mouth, and was getting a pretty severe look as well.

“That is not a story that needs to be told.” Eren said, looking at me for a moment then back to Armin. This was going to be really fun.

“And why not? I really want to know now.” Eren’s eyes were pleading as if begging me not to but everything in me said I wanted to hear this story.”Eren, he’s already started and he said it was about me, you’re screwed just give up.” His shoulders sagged and he let go of Armin, coming to lay with me again dressed now.

“Continue please, Armin.” I said, my body mostly blocked my Eren’s.

“Well we were walking past the old convenience store on the way to the creek, and Eren thought it’d be good to stop and get some water. So we go inside and low-n-behold there you are, in a cut off sleeve band t and for the first time ever basketball shorts. Honestly I didn’t think it was possible, or that you even owned any.” He said surprised.

“I don’t they’re Erwin’s, he’s the only person I’ll borrow clothes from.” Armin seemed content with my answer to his unspoken question.

“Well anyway you were wearing them and talking to some kid I’d never seen before and I know everyone in town just by looking at them, and at first I think Eren staring at the weirdo new kid, but the you turn and look our way and Eren’s beside himself with embarrassment trying to hide how hardcore he’d been staring you down.” Armin was laughing remembering it, and I was laughing seeing what was most likely the same blush creeping up Eren’s face now.

“Is that so?” I poked Eren’s side and he recoiled so hard he hit his head on the headboard. Armin continued after that finding himself again in the story.

“After that he kept trying to get me to go back so we could see if you were there again, out of the 50 times we went last summer you were there ten.” He seemed really pleased with his ability to remember that, and I guess it is cool.

“So Armin, you’re a freshmen too?” I said running my hand down Eren’s side as he laid next to me.

“Yeah, but I’m all pre-ap classes, Eren’s on level. We only became friends because I got called out to show him around the middle school.” I nodded along to his words.

“Yeah Eren’s pretty dumb sometimes.” I smile and Eren pushes me away playfully. He was still laying next to me his head on the pillow next to mine, he took a moment to peek over at me from where his face was being hidden in the fabric. He looked at me for awhile and it’s quiet, then he pulls me over and kisses me. 

After that Eren and Armin left to go and do something together, Eren apologizing profusely as the walked out the door for not going out with him sooner. Before the door closed I heard Eren call a bye Levi to me. Hanji was in and on my bed with me in no time pulling me under her and telling me how much she fucking hated her family. I get it and all her dad’s a jerk, and her mom doesn’t do shit about it just complains about having tried and failed once. However I wasn’t expecting the next part of it.

 

“My brothers getting married or whatever.” That’s not bad.”She was there when dad started freaking out, he got really mad about it said something normal people don’t say after finding out shit like that.”

“Is that why you’re trying to kill me?” She was really starting to get heavy and even though I let Eren do this without complaint she was no Eren. 

“Yeah, I guess it is. Geez Levi I just need like a long long vacation where none of this matters.” She rolled off of me dramatically laying on the bed with her arm over her face. 

“I could go for a long vacation, get out of here for awhile.” I nodded beside her, and she looked at me with this huge grin on her face.

“You know I thought you were only this way when Eren was around but the boys seriously flipped a switch in you. It’s nice, to see you like this, better then coming over to find you drowning in some self destructive plot that you cooked up in that pretty little head of yours.” I flicked her on the forehead. I have no problem admitting I’m different now, whether it truly was Eren or not I don’t care, I just don’t like Hanji pointing it out. 

If Eren wasn’t here I probably would be stuck in some rut of self loathing not falling all over myself to do anything and everything he wants. That’s where I had been when he found me and now I had no clue where I was. Waking up and looking only to find the exact person you’d been looking for can do that I guess. There’s something in the way he smiles that makes me want to smile like he does, it makes me want to be able to express my feelings for him as visually as he does for me. 

I couldn’t even bring myself to actually hit Hanji for her comment, instead a lazy hand fell on her arm. She looked soft and it nearly hurt. A silent conversation was being held between us, one talking about all the years she’d spent here with me in my bed watching me do something in the hopes I wouldn’t wake up the morning after. It seems so far away now that yearning, like a phantom of a person I used to know really well. The room was filled with unspoken emotion when the doorbell went off. 

Hanji was up and out of the room in a heartbeat, clammering and falling all over me to get out of the bed, kneeing and elbowing me in the process. I was still holding my stomach when she and Erwin came walking back to my room. An animated smile that wasn’t quite her usual one pulling in all of the last few days. Erwin stopped in the doorway noting the difference in my room, he nodded continuing to walk in. He fell onto the bed Hanji’d been sleeping on all, his manners gone the second he hit it. 

“Why wasn’t I invited to the living with Levi party?” He said getting comfortable in the blanket mess Hanji had going on. 

“You are now, everyone else sort of just showed up with some sob story, so you’re going to have to come up with one now too.” I said hitting the back of his head as I notice he’s still wearing his shoes. I sent him a pointed look that he gets when he looks at me. Shoes now discarded at my door pulling all the blankets back on afterwards and being joined by Hanji.

“My parents are going on some second honeymoon trip starting tomorrow, so if I want to spend christmas with anyone I’ll have to be here.” Hanji pets his head consolingly. Look at us bunch of strays all coming together to live under the same roof like some real family. Amy must have noticed it was Erwin who had been at the door because after a few minutes she came in with the usual, which happened to be whatever cookies we had, three grape sodas, and all the fruit she had from the frig. I know grape soda and fruit but fuck you, okay.

This had been our thing since the very first time they’d shown up at my house. It was fifth grade and I’d gotten into a fight that day. I didn’t really have friends so when they showed up at my house both asking if I was okay it was weird. Them came in and both stayed to night after that. It became tradition then that we had the same thing every time we got together over here, it doesn’t happen at Hanji’s or Erwin’s only here, and it’s because that’s all I had at the time. Amy was out buying more food and Kenny was working. It’s sort of a joke we all have. 

Erwin moves around looking to the tv above my dresser, and finding the remote under a few blankets at his feet. It lights up on some christmas movie and Erwin seems satisfied, Hanji pulls her blankets up closer moving in so we’re all sort of huddled together. Half way through the climax of the movie Erwin breaks our silence.

“You can have an actual birthday party year, we’re all seriously going to be here.” I honestly hadn’t thought about it. A birthday party was a rare occasion for me. The last one had happened years ago. Hanji jumped up excitedly.

“I almost forgot Christmas is your birthday! We have to do something really cool, like freaking amazing. Oh god Eren’s going to love it.” She smiled and it was like Hanji had never been sad.

“Eren doesn’t know.” I broke the happiness in the air with my confession.

“Why not? He’s your boyfriend.” Hanji poked me hard in the side, I took her hand in mine pulling it so she was in an awkward falling position her face in front of mine.

“I was bored and he was being annoying so I wasn’t going to say anything until Amy walked in singing happy birthday like she usually does.” I let her go and she poked my cheek gently.

“You can be a real cutie sometimes Levi I swear. Throwing a fit because your boyfriend was being boring and deciding not to tell him about your birthday.” I pushed her hand away, she fell back into place next to me. We sat there for awhile, not talking until Erwin again broke our atmosphere. 

“So what do you want to do for your 18th birthday?” My mind went blank, what do you do for your 18th birthday? 

“I’m not sure, what is there to do around here anyways? What would still be open that late into the season’s holidays?”

“We could go furniture shopping, it’s odd but you know you’d remember it.” Erwin laughed taking a moment to really look at Hanji. 

“As good as that sounds I think I’ll pass thanks Hanji.” My head fell back lolling to the side. I was memorizing the lines in my ceiling when Erwin said something about his cousin working at castle that was a pretty fancy hotel, that sounded cool.”Does it cost much?” Erwin seemed surprised by my interest.

“Uh no actually, he gets discounts so two rooms wouldn’t be too bad, I mean my parents used to do it all the time. It’s really nice too. They have this pianist playing in the foyer and antique looking furniture.” I nodded along with him, once he stopped talking I called for Amy. She walked in looking all too excited to have me calling for her like that. 

“Yes, my dear Levi, what do you need?” She sat down and Erwin began to tell her the plan of how things would work out, she didn’t seem to mind that he was so matter of fact about it. “Of course Levi can have a birthday party are you kidding me? And if a castle is where he wants to go then so be it.” Is what she said when he was done, then adding.”So Levi, Eren, Hanji, you, Kenny and I, am I right?” She was getting up to leave, so I just nodded, she smiled and dipped away taking the post it note Erwin’d given her with the information for the castle on it. 

Eren was going to flip when he found out. He’d been out with Armin all day so far, and I didn’t actually feel like I was dying without him which is a really good thing, I was starting to think we were spending too much time together. I mean I love spending time with him but too much isn’t healthy. We need time to just be ourselves and not us. Plus I was having a nice time sitting and watching a movie with my friends. My time didn’t really last as Hanji brought up Eren not being home yet.

“I hope his shoulders okay. Did he take any medicine before he left? Does Armin even know about his cancer?” I didn’t know about Armin, but Erwin, he didn’t know and now he did and he was not happy about our little slip of the mind.

“You just forgot to mention such a life changing thing to me? Your dating this kid, taking care of him and everything but you forget to tell a friend of yours that you're going to need when this stuff starts to get real that he has cancer?” His eyes had every emotion running in them, but mostly they said are you okay. 

“We’ve had it hard up until now. Eren was giving up and letting everything happen like it didn’t matter, but we went to these model homes the other day and ever since he’s been really into the prospect of getting the treatments done.” I hadn’t told Hanji about him having accidently asked me to marry him.

“You’re sure? I mean, he could just feel bad about giving you this false hope.” I don’t think he meant to pull out all my worst fears, but he did, and I guess my face told him so too, because he looked really sorry after that.

“He asked me to marry him.” I said because that’s all I could really focus on, Eren wanted to be alive. Both of them looked at me like I was crazy. The tears from that day came back, and there I was not alone, not under a downpour of water, I was shaking with sobs as Hanji pulled me into her wrapping me in her arms. 

Eren wasn’t faking it, he couldn’t have been because that meant all of it was for nothing. He said he wanted it, all of what I wanted and he wanted it with me. I couldn’t just forget that and if he goes back on what he said I don’t think I could handle it. I was so much of a mess with emotions and thoughts ravaging me that I didn’t notice Eren coming into the room. He was on me in a moment pulling me to him asking what had happened. Armin was standing behind him watching it all the while Erwin and Hanji tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t make me seem so useless. Armin beat them too it.

“He’s scared, of losing you stupid. You really have been putting him through it haven’t you.” It wasn’t with malice that he said it, he said it the way he knew Eren would get it. Eren understood. He held me tighter, really holding on. 

“Could you guys give us a minute?” He asked keeping as calm as he could, his lips against my collarbone. They felt without a word Hanji and Erwin looking back at me, this was the first time I’d cried in front of either of them. “Levi what happened?” I gasped trying to get in enough air to speak.

“We were just sitting here making plans for things, and then it got all quiet and Hanji asked about you and how long you’d been gone, if you’d be okay. Are you okay?” I pulled away a little to look at him finally really noticing the way I was sitting on his lap. He nodded smiling lightly.

“This isn’t about me right now.” He said pulling me back to him.

“That’s the problem it is. Hanji let it slip that you have cancer and Erwin didn’t know cause I sort of forgot to tell him while we were looking for treatment and stuff just like with Hanji. He didn’t take it like she did, he was mad. But then I told him about how you’d been a few days ago, and how you’d changed and were actually trying, but he said you might just be faking it and I got really scared.” I paused taking in the fact I was seriously telling him all of this.”You said you wanted to have all of that with me..”

“I do. I do so badly, and I hadn’t been thinking about it before. I was so stuck on me and how much it all sucked that I didn’t think about you. I was thinking about how I’d have to leave you and here you were thinking of all the ways to save me. It all really hit me when I saw you standing in that kitchen. I wanted to see more of it, to be the one you wake up to. I want to live a long time and be with you through all of it because I love you Levi.” His lips found mine, and everything was a little better. We were definitely going to have to do this more than once, and sometimes it would be me holding him while he was being destroyed by his emotions. 

I wasn’t completely ready for it but I knew I would be when the time came. For now I needed Eren, because he was the only one who really understood how he felt, and he wanted to stay here. I pulled him down to the mattresses with me laying down, it felt nice. Just laying with him was better than anything else I could have been doing. It was silent and comforting, he was holding me, that’s all I needed. 

“What plans were you guys making?” He whispered again my jaw, I smiled cause it tickled.

“Top secret Christmas plans.” He push himself up to lean over me, his face was so close, and yet I didn’t feel the need to kiss him, I just wanted to stare at him in all his Eren glory. 

“Top secret? So top secret you can’t tell me?” He was pouting and damn was it cute. I ran my thumb over his bottom lip looking him in the eyes. My boyfriend is hot.

“That’s the thing, it’s a surprise for you. But we will need to pack soon.” Amy had said we’d be leaving in a few days. We had a lot of money put away from all the trips we’d planned to take and never taken, which is nice. 

“A surprise for me? But why?” He’d put his forehead on mine now, we can’t ever really be this way around Hanji cause she’ll start singing about us being in a tree. 

“Because it’s what I want from you for my birthday.” I had my hand on his chest over his heart feeling the way it was still beating. He is alive, not a dream of mine.

“Your birthday! When is it, holy crap what kind of boyfriend am I? When, what time were you born?” Eren was excited now pulling me to sit up with him, he can’t sit still when he’s excited. 

“Christmas, and I don’t know.” I answered him, his hands holding mine in the air in front of us, his eyes are on mine as he laughs.

“Your birthday is Christmas? How much does that suck? Man sharing your birthday with some ghost guy, and having a big old guy break into your house too.” Eren was so lovably stupid, and his jokes sucked but there was no way I would ever give something like this up. It’s moments like these that will get us through the hard times. 

“Je t’aime.” I whispered to him leaning over to kiss him lightly. He seemed surprised but didn’t say anything as he pulled me in closer making the kiss deeper. 

As promised a few days later Eren, Hanji, Erwin and I sat in my car on our way to the castle hotel for Christmas. There were three different conversations going on at the same time. Eren taking turns talking to me and Erwin while Hanji mumbled to herself in the back. She’d been pissed off when I told her that Eren was sitting shotgun the whole way to the hotel, but I didn’t mind because I was getting kissed by Eren every chance he got. The first few were meet with half hearted disgust from my friends, but after the fourth stop light they gave up on trying to make us care. 

It didn’t matter who was in the car, if Eren wanted to kiss me he could, because there was always going to be the guarantee that I wanted to kiss him too. I wanted to do more than kiss him but that wasn’t going to happen, not yet that could wait, all I needed for now was to be near him as often as possible. Although having him go out with Armin for the last few days was nice.

Like a reprieve from the stress, I could tell it was good for him too, he seem brighter when he got home everyday. I definitely couldn’t complain about that. Seeing him happy is what I live for, so any chance I have to make him that much happier I’ll take it. I only wish that his sister would get the idea, then Eren could be really truly happy. He doesn’t say it but it’s been hard for him to not be with her, although he has every right to be mad. It wasn't her place to out him like that, and to be so insistent on his feelings not being valid. 

His feeling are completely valid, he likes me a lot, and that’s all she really needs to know. Now just accept that your brother talks boys just like you and your little girl friends do. I mean we talk about cute guys together, if there’s a hot ass guy in a movie we point it out, then we take turns complimenting aspects of his body. What’s so different about it? They probably have the same celebrity crushes too. Eren is head over heels for Ryan Reynolds, and I can appreciate that, he’s a nice looking guy. I’m all about Chris Hemsworth's ass and Eren knows that. So why can’t his sister get that? I mean I’m his boyfriend, and I know about all the other guys he would totally fuck. I just don’t get it. It’s like having another girl to fawn over guys with, but he’s your brother.

Thinking about he it, he really does like fawning over guys a lot. Most every movie we watch he points out at least two guys, what’s with that? Am I not enough for him? Rude. That’s just plain wrong, flaunting your fond for some douches ass on the tv in front of your boyfriend only to move on a second later to another guy. What if he gets like that with me? Oh geez, now is not the time for thoughts like this. 

You are going to a castle hotel with him and your two best friends for your birthday. He obviously cares about you. But maybe he’d only staying with you to get out of his house? Maybe it’s the money you just seem to throw at him? He isn’t a stripper, but you still just throw it, like it doesn’t matter, as long as he wants it. He isn’t using me for something as shitty as that. 

My mind had completely taken over now running over scenarios where Eren tells me he never cared for me at all. Where he leaves me alone for some cute little girl like the one at homecoming. My heart feels like a hundred pound weight was just dropped onto it. I pull over the next chance I get, parking the car, and getting the hell out. I can’t breath and I know Eren’s behind me, following me as I walk away but I can’t stop no matter how many times he yells for me to. I shake my head moving further away. Erwin ran up and told Eren to give me a minute. He and Hanji had seen me like this enough that he knew what to do. 

Eren was saying something about needing to help me but Erwin insisted that he stay where he was. Hanji went into the station’s stores then she came out with four waters, two bags of chips, and my favorite powdered doughnuts. She gave a bag to Eren as well as a water, a water for Erwin who doesn’t eat food from gas station shores, then she came to me handing me the bag and backing away with her water and chips. I nod a thanks, we all stood in the overgrown field next to the small gas station that only had three cars parked at it, including mine. 

I sat down suddenly, opening the shit Hanji’d given me. Both Hanji and Erwin seemed surprised by this, I shrugged at their questioning stares. Eren was worried and figgity, stand there watching me. He wasn’t accustomed to my moods or the way they could change, not like my friend were. After a few minutes of letting him feel uneasy and lost I wave him over. He perks up instantly, again two questioning gazes, I shoo them away after that and they leave. 

Eren sits quietly letting me take the lead in this, but I’m not ready yet. I eat my powdered doughnuts, a very guilty pleasure of mine, and drink my water, he tries to eat his chips in the least noisy way possible, but he’s failing so cutely. I smile and laugh lightly to myself, catching his attention. The sun decides now, while he’s looking at me, to break through the clouds just enough to illuminate all of Eren in that perfect way it did in September. All the words I could have said are stuck in my throat as I stare at him, mouth agape, eyes wide taking in everything. It’s that glow that I’d been hoping to see again. The one that had me falling. 

He looked around self consciously trying to break away from my stare. This boy would be the death of me.

“I started thinking about why you were with me. I was just going through everything in my head and started thinking about your sister and how shit all that’s been. And somewhere along the way this seed of uncertainty settled and I couldn’t keep it down. I was getting pretty scared about you just using me for all this money and stuff. Like you were only living at my house because you didn’t want to be near your family. Then just before I pulled over I thought about you telling me you’d realized they were right and you didn’t actually care for me at all while you stood there with a cute little girlfriend. I feel like shit now. I’m sorry, it’s just you talk about a lot of other guys all the time and I just didn't know how to deal with that.” My little speech was fast and jumbled. I was still shaking when his arms wrapped around me. We felt back onto the grass next to us, he’s head on my chest as he looks up to me smiling.

“You’re so cute, really, so cute. I don’t care about anyone else stupid. All those celebrity guys would never compare to you, no matter how great they are. Do you think they’d care enough to sit here and tell me exactly what’s going on? Please they wouldn’t have time. And about the money my parents actually have a lot of money, so I don’t really see why I’d need yours. It’s nice though to know you want to spend money on me, makes me feel special, but you don’t have to. As long as I’m with you I could care less, really right now with you is probably one of my newest favorite memories.” He kissed me for the umpteenth time that day, but I really just didn’t care, I held him to my lips keeping the contact for awhile. 

“Besides who needs Mikasa, she hasn’t even really tried to be sorry about how she’d treated us, she keeps having Armin relay messages for her. Oh god, she freaked when I told her we wouldn’t be home for Christmas.” He was happy again and so was I, lying here with him on top of me and talking, coming out of the small funk I’d been in. He kissed my jaw making me smile. “Yeah, Armin said she almost came over to talk to us after that but decided not to.” His arms were folded on my chest now his head resting on them. I could have stayed like that for a few hours, but Hanji came up telling us they’d leave without us if we didn’t get our asses up now.

I flipped her off yelling about it being my car in the first place. As we walked I wondered about the times that it would become my job to console Eren like he’s done for me and if I’d be any good at it. I don’t think he’d really mind I wasn’t any good at it because he’d know I was trying for him. A memory of the time I’d tried to make him breakfast a few days after he started living with us playing in my head. He had the best smile on his face that day. 

All I can think about after that is getting to the hotel so I can lay down with Eren again, we have a few things planned here and there but for the most part this week is going to be a calm before the storm kind of thing. Giving Eren and I just enough time to be just boyfriends and not have the anvil of cancer looming over us. We’ll get to that, for now, there’s things we need to say to each other, memories we need to make to look back on when we’re at our breaking point. I swear if after all this he’s alive and fine the way I want him to be I’ll marry him then like he asked me to, but I need to know he’ll be okay before that. 

Everything was perfect that whole week, it really was, a few nature hikes, some fishing because Erwin really wanted to try it. We really seemed like a family, like we all belonged together. It was a fantasy really, all too good, nothing bad happened, and it scared me like it should, because that mean the worst is coming. The worst could mean Eren, and it did. We weren’t halfway back home when Eren suddenly grabbed the handle of the car door pushing it open as we sat stopped at the red light. He looked around like he didn’t know where we were, and when I said his name he seemed really taken aback, like he didn’t know who I was.

He shook his head trying to get out of the car but he couldn’t figure out exactly how to unlock it. He sat there forcing it for awhile Erwin had this grim look on his face. After a few minutes Eren seemed to snap back enough to be coherent and obedient. Erwin had him getting out and switching places with him as he told hanji to take shotgun so I could sit with Eren in the back. I was a little numb for a minute, but I snapped back too sitting in the back seat of my car with Eren’s head in my lap. He’s saying my name over and over again like he’s trying to place a face to a name that sounds familiar. 

“What the hell is happening?” I asked looking into the rear view mirror to catch Erwin’s eyes. He sighed.

“Eren’s red blood cell count is probably low. It’s a possibility with bone cancer.” Why did he know this and I didn’t. My boyfriend was laying next to me saying my name like I was a stranger and Erwin knew exactly what to do. 

He drove to the hospital as Hanji called Amy and Kenny to tell them to meet us there, and here I was still at the stop light watching Eren look at me like he didn’t know me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early into the whole cancer's shit thing. Sorry. Personally I have never dealt with cancer, my Great grandmother had lung cancer, but that's about all I've dealt with. Sorry if it sucks.


	4. fuck this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is propped up on his knees in front of me, his head tilted back, hips rolling into my fingers. He moans and there's nothing in the world that could ever take this moment from me. Not the cancer or my parents. If he is still here then why would I ever want to be anywhere else? Pants and groans fall from him as he tried to form my name, he kisses my neck and I shiver. I hope he knows how much he means to me. How having him here makes everything just that much easier for me. If I could say it somehow I would because he needs to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all you extremely lovely people, I haven't updated in a little while did you miss me? I missed you.  
> I think I'll be going through the other chapters to add bigger divisions between the paragraphs to help with reading. Anyway as you see from the summary for this chapter there's hip grinding and moaning. 
> 
> ALSO WARNING FOR SHITTY LANGUAGE!!! THE F***** WORD!
> 
> Song for this chapter: Calling You - Blue October.

It had been an hour since we’d gotten there and I still couldn’t seem to breath right. The nurses who came to talk only ever talked to Hanji and Erwin while I sat on the ground staring at nothing holding Eren’s phone in my hands. His password was no secret to me but I couldn’t bring myself to open his phone, not when I knew there would be a picture of us smiling to greet me. Erwin was right about the blood cell this fucking nerd doing his research about this while I sat around and pretended nothing was wrong with Eren. 

I fold in on myself, pulling my legs up close to me and running my arms through them hugging myself. I felt so small and insignificant. Eren hadn’t even known who I was. Hanji came and squatted in front of me prying Eren’s phone from me, she asked for his password and I told her his birthday, 0330. He thought he was so clever when he told me that. ‘No one would guess that,’ he’d laughed with his stupid smile that I can’t get enough of. 

We had a week until this was supposed to be happening. You know what’s worse that stupid doctor’s the one taking care of him, said he had spare time and everything. He was just making Eren wait for no reason. I told you he was a douche. Who did this Pixis guy even think he was? 

I closed my eyes and saw Eren looking at me in the foyer of that hotel again. He’d had been looking around and then when he’d seen me and he got excited all over again. We ate diner at this really cute dinner restaurant that night, and they’d been playing his favorite song, he couldn’t sit still. It was so sudden that the reality of what we were actually facing had hit me. We’d be here like this again, and soon. He might remember who I am then but still, it will be me and him like he said he wanted and I was falling apart right now. 

The shock of it all was enough to keep me from noticing the frantic yet familiar voice calling out Eren’s name as it’s holder came running down the hallway. How fucking over dramatic, I had a feeling she was going to make this about her and her feelings over how Eren felt and instantly hated myself for telling Hanji his password. Mikasa caught a glimpse of me as she ran up, a merciless grimace on her face.

“You, you took him god knows where and when you come back he’s dying? Are you freaking happy now? You’ve taken him away from his family so you two could have your little fucking spree all over the place and for what? You’re sick you know that! Think about Eren for once!” Hanji was livid, but all I could think about was how she was right about me.

“You are the sick one. Levi did that for Eren, Eren’d been stuck up in this idea he was going to die, but for the last few days that hadn’t been the case. He started looking forward to a life with Levi and here you come in here after not having spoken to him because he’s gay and has a boyfriend saying all your feelings are more important than Eren’s. Levi hasn’t done anything but think about Eren. And most of the time it tears him up inside because all he wants is for Eren to be okay.” People from the rooms around us had popped their heads out to see the commotion. 

“I don’t care about you glasses! I’m here for my brother, my family, which of you here is his family?” Mikasa looked around, it was then that little Armin came walking up, he stopped jaw dropping seeing me.

“Levi, is he really that bad?” I shook my head, nice to know I look just as bad as I feel.

“Nah, they said he’ll be fine, but you didn’t see him, he didn’t even know me.” I can’t even look at Armin, it’s all just more Eren and it makes the feeling in my chest worst. It’s like an endless pit that won’t stop growing. What if he never remembers me?

“Mikasa you didn’t say anything to him did you?” She looked at Armin like he was crazy.

“Of course I did, I told him the truth, that he isn’t good for Eren.” Armin grabbed her arm now, he actually looked mad.

“I told you saying things like that will make Eren sad, really sad. Don’t you want that or do you even care? The only thing keeping Eren going right now is Levi knowing that Levi wants a life with him is all that’s important Eren right now. Of course he’d love to have a better relationship with you and your parents but if you can’t accept him and Levi there’s no point to him. Do you get that? Any of it?” I knew I liked Armin, he has this way of saying what I need to hear even if he’s talking to someone else. It’s at a moment like this one that I’m glad Eren made me let him spend the night because I really got to know a lot more about him, and right now I really need him. 

“You can’t actually be defending him Armin, am I your friend or not?”

“If you keep treating Eren and Levi like this you aren’t because you are very wrong about them, Levi is all Eren talks about and when he does he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and when he’s with Levi it gets even better. He’s like a whole new person, a really happy person. The way he talks about the future and how great it will be with Levi isn’t something I can ignore.” The people seemed to have heard enough of the story for their liking most leaving us alone in the hallway now. 

“Hey, we need to stop this little fight, Eren’s awake by the way.” I said getting both of their attention.”The douche doctor we were waiting on is doing tests and stuff but he says he’ll be fine. The only reason Hanji called you,” I looked at Mikasa.”Is because we need your parents to sign off on all of this.”

“And why should we accept the help you’re getting him? We were planning on taking him somewhere where he could get real help.” She has her arms folded in front of her, but I could care less, the douche doctor choose the right time to come walking out of Eren’s room.

“Real help? Where and from whom? I happen to be a completely able doctor who can more than take care of your brother. However you, you need to go and fully think through the decision you’re making because blondie here is right. Eren is awake and asking for a Levi.” He looked at me now, maybe I like this Pixis guy a little bit more now. But that thought could wait, Eren wanted to see me. 

Walking into his room felt weird, the last time I’d been to a hospital my mom died. He was sitting in his bed in those horribly uncomfortable gowns they make you wear. I laughed at him. Seeing him has brought me out of that pit I was falling into, that and Armin was totally right back there, Eren liked me more than most people could tell, and I liked him just as much. There was no need to second guess any of it. 

I need to suck it up, he probably felt worse than I did and there was no way I was going to make this about me. Hair and mess and a sleepy smile that made me want to lay down with him is what I got when he saw me standing there in the doorway. Everything I’d been feeling before was forgotten, if he’d still look at me like that it was fine with me. 

“Hey idiot.” I said walking in to get closer to him. It was like a weird gravitational pull he had, I’d always come back to be standing beside him. 

“Hey babe.” My eyes closed as he touched my face pulling me down closer to his and he kissed me. He knew who I am and that we’re together and that’s good enough for me. 

“What’d he say?” I ask running my hand through Eren’s hair the way he likes, as his eyes closed focusing only on me. Another change to the dynamic of our relationship, and every time something changes it seems like I’m sinking further into everything. 

“They want to start chemo.” I hmm staying quiet with him until he speaks again.” I forgot you, didn’t I? He said there was a distressed guy sitting on the ground outside looking like he’d just watched his favorite dog died.” I nod my forehead pressed to the top of Eren head, he pulls me into the bed with him after a while, holding me, again he’s comforting me, but at the same time it’s like it’s comforting him. Knowing I’m here, that I was there sitting just outside his door not out in the lobby, that I couldn’t be that far away from him. 

I pull away from him slightly taking his face in my hands and trying to remember exactly what he looked like before. He’d lost weight, a side effect of cancer, and the aches and pains were nothing new. I’d been reading up on cancer while I was out in the hall Erwin thought it’d be good and it was. Now I know what to expect, but seeing it makes me sad. I think Eren can tell what I’m thinking about because he’s kissing me again now. We sit like that for a long time, and when the door finally opens Eren won’t let me move. 

“Okay, so the only problem is the parents okay on this. I’ve been talking to that bad nut of a sister of yours out there but she refuses to do anything.” Pixis says not even looking up from his paper and when he does his demeanor stays the same. 

“Why do you get Hanji to use Eren’s phone? She has it, and it has his parents numbers.” Eren looks at me like he doesn’t understand why Hanji has his phone. 

“Which one is Hanji?” Pixis looks me over quickly, perv.

“The one with the glasses.” He nods leaving the room just after.

“What a perv.” I say putting my head back on Eren’s shoulder. 

“What?” His hands are on my sides rubbing circles here and there.

“He was really into the way we’re sitting Eren.” He kissed my neck humming as if he hadn’t noticed.

“I think he was more interested in you.” He pulled me up closer to him by my hips, warping his arms around me to keep me right where he wanted me.”But you definitely aren’t available-” He pauses.”- And never will be again.” My heart seriously flutters because of the way he said it. His voice was lowered in a very suggestive way, and before I knew it he was grinding my crotch against his. I gasped surprised by the sudden movement and the jolt that went through me at the contact. Eren’s lips went to my jaw kissing lightly, making their way down to my collarbone. 

We’d had heated make out sessions but grinding had not been a factor before. Lip biting and chaste kisses to each other’s necks was as far as we’d gone, but Eren had control of everything now and he was not holding back. I felt the sharp pinch of him sucking on the sensitive skin on my shoulder leaving a pinkish purple mark in his wake. I gasped again as his hand slide up my thigh, his thumb ghosting over the innermost part just before he quickly groped me. It wasn’t hard just a cheeky grab but it had me hot and ready. 

My lips found his and that's when everything got really out of hand, instead of Eren forcing my hips down onto his, I was grinding myself. Hand tangled in hair, pulling at his gown. Oh jesus he wasn’t even wearing that much. His hand were fumbling with the button on my jeans creating and wonderful friction. I was making all kinds of noises that were not soon to be forgotten by Eren as he watched me in smug amusement pulling my underwear down just enough.  
He sucked his fingers until he just couldn’t take it anymore pulling them out of his mouth and using his other hand to make me sit up further so it would be easier to do. He shhed me and told me it was going to hurt, as if I hadn’t known that, but I really didn’t fucking care. He started slow with one finger, his other hand on the small of my back. I sat rigid waiting to adjust to the feeling. He started pumping in and out after a little while and that was really when the odd feeling started to leave. 

My head was mushy and way past gone, but Eren seemed to have enough sense left to know that going any further than fingers right now wasn’t the smartest thing. So he continued working me like he’d done it a million times, but he hadn’t this was our first time together and I swear the way he looked up to me was getting me close by itself. After the second finger Eren decided it was time to speed things up, moving his other hand from the small of my back to my front where he took my dick in his hand and started pumping at the same pace as his other hand. 

I tried my best to muffle all the noises threatening to spill out of me, but Eren kept telling me to look at him. I was a mess in the best of fucking ways and it was all for Eren, all because of him to. I hoped he was happy. He looked like he was going to need help with boner he was sporting. My head fell back and he kissed my neck up and down looking for a sweet spot. He found it seconds before I was about to burst and he sucked hard. For a moment everything was black, it was a split second, like a blink, and when I came back I was panting and Eren was rushing to clean up the evidence. 

He leaned back about ten minutes later deming everything clean enough. I pushed myself up from my side of his bed, pulling the sheets he’d covers himself back up with away. He looked like a deer caught in headlights as I brushed my hand against the top of his erection. Must not have been expecting this. I pulled the waistband of his boxer briefs down, taking him in my hand as soon as all of him was free. A teasing flick of my tongue to the head of his dick. The shudder that went through him is exactly what I’d been hoping for. 

I looked him in the eye as I took all of it in my mouth quickly, loving the way his eyes went wide. I moaned and felt his hands come up to take my hair. He was harder than I thought, pent up probably, stupid could have just asked. Keeping pace liking the way he could barely form words, I continued showing off little tricks I’d picked up from Erwin’s romantic novels that I read when I’m bored at his house. This one about a pirate had this technique I found really interesting, and so I tried it, moments after I did so Eren let go. 

I got up quickly, spitting everything out in the bathroom. Thank god they have complimentary toothbrushes and toothpaste here. When I walk back out Eren’s smiling at me with the most amazing afterglow. This whole room probably smells of what we’ve been doing, but I can’t seem to care. 

“My friends used to say spitters are quitters.” He laughed.

“You can swallow if you want to, but I’m not going to risk anything.” He patted the bed telling me to sit with him, and I do.

“Are you saying there’s something bad in my sperm?” He laughs again.

“No, I’m saying it could have some adverse effects. Now if you ever want that to happen again you’ll stop talking about this.” He shut up after that, taking my hand in his. 

We sat there for awhile just to two of us, but after sometime another commotion started up outside. I heard both of our names being said and vaguely recognized the voice, it brought back an unpleasant memory. Eren sat up straighter as the door opened and his mom came inside. She looked from him to me and then looked down. She looked like she was really having a hard time saying something. Eren was stiff and nervous, which made me feel weird. 

“Eren.” Her voice was sad and had a very guilty undertone to it. “I am so sorry.” Her voice cracked and tears started to slide down her cheeks. Eren was up and out of bed, though I’m sure he shouldn’t have been, but his mother needed consoling and so did he. It was something I couldn’t give him, I had just about everything else he wanted, but what he needed, I didn’t have that. He needed to know someone from his family still cared, and as she sobbed about being so horrible to him because he wanted to be with me I knew that Eren was going to be a lot happier now. 

 

“When Mikasa told me you’re gay I didn’t know what to do.” Her sobs broke up her tears in a really heart breaking way. You could really feel the regret in her words. “I was so wrong. For everything I did, I really wish there were enough words in the world to true convey just how much I love and miss you. I don’t care who you want to be with. I’d rather have you here with me and happy with your life than somewhere else thinking I don’t still love you as you are.” Eren was also crying now, which wasn’t something I hadn’t seen before but this was different. It made me realize he really is still just a kid, and he’s going through some real shit. 

 

There were going to be time when I’m not enough to help pick up his pieces, and that terrifies me. Eren, the person who’s become so detrimental to my happiness, will need other people. People like Mikasa, and Armin, but don’t I still need Hanji and that ass Erwin? I maybe the first person he asks for but what happens when what I say isn’t it, who will he turn to and who will I turn to? Again my world is turned upside down, and my understanding taken away. I’m spinning in this world that can’t seem to come into focus anything else on Eren, but he’s standing on the ceiling and I’m falling but not going anywhere. It’s sudden, but I blink and everything’s back as his mother continues the conversation I missed out on. 

“‘I want to be a part of your life still Eren, I’ve signed the papers giving permission for you to have treatment. I also want to be the one to bring you here on days when you have appointments.” She’s rubbing his arms, and he’s smiling. I never thought it would be possible for someone to be so fucking beautiful while crying. “But I think it’s best if you stay at Levi’s.” That’s when she really has my attention.”Your father, he’s, well he isn’t really happy with the way things have been. You know he always wanted you to be with big guy who all the women wanted.” She looks between us as she speaks.

“He really isn’t accepting of your choices, although Armin took the time to explain everything to us, I’m still on the fence about your relationship but I know you’re happy so it’s good enough for me; however your father he doesn’t want anything to do with you as you are now. To him everything you’ve ever done has been a lie.” 

“None of who I am is a lie. Nothing about me has changed. I’m still your little boy.” His voice was shaking, which broke something in me. His father no longer wanted to call him son and all because he likes a little dick? The child you’ve spent all your time molding into this wonderful person and now as his life is coming the an apex you back away into this void. If this had happened to me would I have been able to get through it? 

“Eren,” His eyes focus on me. There’s so much I could say, so much I should say, things he needs to know, but where do you start?” I’m not sure if any of this makes sense anymore, and I’m not sure where the lines are and are not blurred. I think it was some time in September when we sat in the courtyard, but there’s no definite on my time table, it could have been the moment you sat down at our table; but I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I don’t care what your dad says, in the end if you want to lay in my bed then we’ll do that, it you want to pretend like this never happened with us I would go along with what you say. I love you, and who knows how long I have.” 

Eren was in the hospital for a week, and after that he couldn’t go to school either. His first round of chemo really kicked his ass so he stayed home and laid around. It wasn’t all bad though coming home and knowing Eren would be lying there waiting for me was great, but today is his first day back. Not going to lie I’m a wreck, have been, and having all these kids staring as I walk down the hall holding Eren’s hand is driving me crazy. It’s not that the publicness of it is what’s wrong, it’s what people will say about Eren. 

Kids are mean, and when they see something they don’t like they comment on it in whatever way they see fit. Living in Texas can be really hard that way. Depending on where you live you could be a complete outcast from the rest of the people in your town. Not to dis our town or anything but there are those one or two groups of southern mentality loyalist who will call you a fag. There are those guys who will antagonize you with sleazy comments about sucking dick and honestly if you don’t have the fuck you kind of mindset prepared for moments like this it will eat you alive. Eren’s just not a really fuck you kind of guy. 

It’s at lunch is when the first of the day came around.

“So Levi the cum bag finally has a legit boyfriend?” This guy’s name is Todd, and if that isn’t enough he’s the school resident I-play-lacrosse-on-some-fancy-holier-than-thou-church-college on my weekends as a volunteer. 

“And?” I’ve never liked Todd, he once stole my crayon in kindergarten.

“Don’t try to act cool, he’s basically a kid, and you’re an adult now aren’t you?” 

“I didn’t think you’d remember my birthday, how thoughtful, but if you’re here to give me my present I think you better keep it, I am in a relationship as you mentioned.” 

“Fuck you!” 

“Fantastic come back Todd, always great talking with you as well.” I wave as he walks away, but it’s then that I realize our show had more than a few patrons and one was the boyfriend of mine he’d been talking about.

“Levi, what he called you…” Eren’s eyes were wide and glossy.

“Isn’t anything new. It’s just like with those girls at the museum. You can’t let what they say get to you. But if Todd or any of his friends do try anything you tell me okay? It’s not cool, but I can deal with it.” I hold my arm out to his so he can runs his through. 

Two days is how long it takes for the next guy to find a reason to be a dick. Honestly I don’t know what it is with these guys and their need to overexert their masculinity by degrading someone else sexuality or their own while they’re in denial but these displays are unnecessary. The fake coughing to cover up the derogatory words they’re calling us does lessen the blow and it shows on Eren’s face. 

I hate that look, there shouldn’t have ever been a time when I would have had to have seen it and yet as another guy walks by with his arm around a girl’s shoulder and calls faggot under his breath I see it. His eyebrows come in as his he actually was hit, and his lip twitches, but when he looks at me he tries to smile. Two passing periods later and I’m at my limit. There’s 1800 kids in this mother fucking school and yet I have pasted this same douche ever single time I’ve walked outside the classroom?

“Whore.” He didn’t even cough that time. I don’t know which area of my reasoning cut off or short circuited but it did and I was on top of him. I was on top of this mother fucker punching him in quick motions. I could hear Eren telling me to stop but I really didn’t want to. This guy Alex had actually told me something along the lines of him thinking he’d liked while he was experimenting in middle school and now our senior year comes back to say shit like this. He’s crying begging me to stop but why should I? 

How many times today has he said something hurtful just to say it? I know I have never done anything to him before, not even then, and yet today walking through school he can’t shut his mouth and keep his bullshit opinion to himself? Eren has been trying his best not to hear if, not to let it settle into his head. This person going through too much and now he has to hear this from someone he doesn’t know in a hallway he might not be in next year? 

“Fuck this!” I yell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so sexy time, and acceptance from Carla, also Armin's a badass. I'm so sorry Levi babe.


	5. fuck him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You made the right choice coming home. He wasn't good for you anyway, someday you'll get married to a beautiful girl and have kids just a beautiful, you'll see." I hated that that was how my father greeted me, as if I wasn't crumbling into nothing, like my heart wasn't on fire and I hadn't just left Levi there like that. And why because he was wearing Erwin's shirt? Erwin's straight so it doesn't matter but it still hurt. It hurt that he'd left me last night saying something like that. But I deserved it didn't I? I did this to him because I said all those thing that weren't true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, so it's been a while. 
> 
> Btw I'm single and a virgin, I have no real experience with anything sexual. 
> 
> Song- Undone(sweater-song)- Weezer.

Instead of waiting to see how all of that went down with the teachers I got up grabbed Eren and walked out. We were out of the parking lot in minutes, driving who knows where. Eren was quiet until we got out of town, but even then it wasn’t any real talking he was just humming with the music playing. I guess he wanted out of there as much as I did and I can’t blame him. All those kids walking around saying shit like that for fun. What’s so fun about hurting someone? I’ve never really gotten it. But Eren doesn’t deserve to have to go to school and hear things like that all for those assholes sick satisfaction. And it’s not like it’s the whole school saying shit things, most of the people see us and forget about it cause is it really important that we’re gay as shit, and yet those few “allies” don’t ever say anything as we’re passed yet again by some shit sucker with an opinion that sounds a lot like some church sermon. 

I don’t know what it is actually, I think I’m just mad right now, but there’s no way in hell I’m going back there, not now at least, and I think Eren’s more than happy about that. 

It’s been a little over an hour of driving now and we’re somewhere down town. The buildings look a little bigger as we drive through the overcrowded streets. It was just a month ago that we came down here to go to the Bob Bullock museum. The air is still just as cold as it was then when we get out, deciding it’d be more fun to walk around then drive. Icy chills come full force making my cheeks turn a pink color, Eren pulls on his beanie and gloves, trying to hide from the cold of winter. We take each other's hand walking out of the parking garage and somehow his hand is warm. 

I smile taking in all of the space around us. This is so much better than any of the shit we could be dealing with back at school. If I could have moments like this with Eren everyday then I would because there’s nothing better then being out somewhere where people just don’t give a shit about us. When we’re here it really doesn’t matter as much to the average passer by that we’re gay, because they have a life they need to live and get back to instead of taking time out of their schedule to tell us how unbelievably disgusting we are. That and it’s Austin, Austin is the least conservative place in all of Texas. 

Being able to just hold Eren’s hand and walk side by side without having to be prepared for another insult is the best feeling in the world and I hope he knows that. Honestly if I could I would take us far away where we’d no longer have worry about that one percent that hates us. Then again I would do just about anything for this stupid kid. 

Again my mind has wandered but this time instead of standing out front of the Bob Bullock museum we’re in front of the capitol building, and Eren’s pulling me up the stairs. He turns and gives me this smile that tells me he’s definitely better now that we’re away from all of that. 

He is so beautiful, and seeing him right now climbing the stairs leading to the entrance of the capitol it’s really highlighted. My imagination starts to take hold and he’s not walking up the stairs of the capitol anymore he’s walking up the stairs of some fancy ass church wearing a suit and it’s not the middle of winter, it’s september. The sun is shining like it did in the courtyard and in the field that day just weeks ago. 

I move as fast as I can to keep up with Eren, he’s ten feet ahead moving as slow as possible so I can catch up to him. Opening those big wooden doors proves to be too hard on Eren’s shoulder, bringing back the one thing that’d actually managed to slip my mind for the first time in a long time. Had the pain been getting worse? All these questions I know I need to ask but can’t seem to bring myself to anyway. I’ve grown accustomed to living on the wishful thinking that he isn’t as sick as all the tests said he is, but in moments like this it’s hard to pretend. 

I know this play is what Eren wants, he doesn’t want to seem like he’s fragile or anything he wants to seem as strong as possible; no matter who the person asking is he’ll tell you he’s okay even when you see the whince. 

“Levi look.” He points excitedly to the room just inside the capitol building, it has curved walls modeled after the Capitol in Washington, only ours is slightly taller just because. He takes my hand again pulling me along cause it seems like that’s the only way I move now, always following Eren, his shadow, just behind on his heels; taking in every moment and memorizing everything. All the sighs, all the smiles, his touch, categorically filing them away preparing for when he’s gone. When did I start living in this perpetual state of hopelessness, or maybe it’s just today; all the emotions getting to me. 

Eren’s pushed his way to the middle of the room and he’s spinning taking it all in, but then he stops looking to me like he’s got an idea; and at first I’m scared but then he takes me into the center and positions me as he wants and we’re dancing. Here in the middle of all these people we’re dancing. We’re dancing and people are watching but I can’t seem to mind because here we are making a dream of mine come true. I’m dancing with Eren, my Eren, in the middle of a crowded room, full of people who we don’t know, but we’re dancing and that’s fine. 

Eren jumps when I start whispering to him, reinforcing the feelings I can’t easily express to him, and even in french I know he knows what I’m saying; because he knows I can’t just come out and say it to him. He knows he’s important to me and that there’s little I wouldn’t give to have moments like this with him forever. I only wish there were words to describe exactly how it feel to be here with him, or how happy it makes me to know that if this is truly the end he wants to spend it with me. Just the fact that he wants his last memories to be with me is terrifying, you don’t just give things like your last moments to anyone. You give them to someone you love, and not just any kind of love, people get married in order to spend all of their moments likes this together. 

Yet here Eren is almost 16 years old giving me everything. A scared little boy looking for someone to catch him when he falls, and of all people it’s me. I would catch him a thousand times if it meant I would never have to let him go. Hell I’d jump from any bridge you’d want me to if you told me it would save him. It you said all those superstitious make a wish shit worked I’d make all the paper cranes, stay up every night waiting for 11:11, collect every penny for every fountain, anything and all my wishes would be for him. And yes when I blew out my birthday candles I wished for him, I wished to have years and years of his time, to give up all of mine for him. And even if I can’t have that I’d like to have now, to be able to live in this moment forever would be the greatest gift anyone could ever give me; and I wish I could tell him that, open up and say that I never want to dance with anyone else. 

That if he were to die there would never be another person who would ever be able to stand up to what he was to me. He’s only person I’ve ever wanted to spend hours staring at flowers with. I hope someday I can make him understand that even eternity wouldn’t be long enough, I would still be waiting for more time to come with him by my side. Maybe I’d be okay with it if we were together until the Earth no longer spun on its axis; then I might give him up. Never will there come a day when I don’t want to see him. 

We spent the rest of the day touring the capitol building, closed it out and everything. Eren had us taking pictures every five seconds but I didn’t mind, those moments are irreplaceable. Our drive home was uneventful, although we did stop to get food because Eren kept complaining about how he was actually going to die of starvation if I did pull over this second. He seem pretty pleased with himself too. The house held a flurry of people with worried expressions that all wanted nothing more than to know exactly what had happened to make me go so ape shit crazy on that kid today. 

“Well,” I said but was cut off by Eren before I could continue my explanation.

“People at school have been harassing us because of our relationship and it started really getting to me which made Levi really mad so when that guy came by for the fifth time that day just to say something hateful it really set him off.” Amy’s eyes were wide and wet with tears, as if it physically hurt her to hear about people’s misinformed judgements of us based off of biased views forced on them by some social figure who never really did any good for anyone.

“What type of things have people been saying?” I’d never known Kenny to be one really interested in any type of unwarranted violence, so his question didn’t surprise me; however Eren’s answer did.

“They’ve been calling Levi things like a cum bag, and dick dog; and when we walk through the halls they call us faggots. Anything they can think of really.” He looked so sad when he’d finished his momentary speech. Silence followed in the wake of his words as everyone took in exactly what he’d meant by harassing. 

“Why did you say anything about this before you went and did something like this?” Kenny seethed, but then collected his thoughts. “What’s the number for the school? No better yet,” He moved toward the front door grabbing his keys and the turning to look at Eren and I motioning for us to follow him.   
As we backed out of the driveway Amy came to stand on the porch her eyes still glossy. Kenny drove like a mad man all the way up to the school's front parking lot. Then just as we were parking the principle came walking out holding folders in his arms as he walked quickly to his car ready to be rid of the school for the day. It really was too bad he had that limp or else he might have actually made it to his car before Kenny could get to him. The poor man jumped about five feet when Kenny came up screaming about how they allowed such moronic people to roam the halls of a public school without correcting them for their ignorance. Mr. Zacharias did not make anything easier for himself either stating he had no idea what Kenny was talking about and calling him a predator. Everything got even more awkward when Mr. Zacharias started sniffing him too. 

In the end it took about twenty minutes to get everything calmed down enough to explain exactly what my uncle was on about in a way that a normal person could understand. Either way Mr. Zacharias apologized for his negligence of such an unfortunate occurrence he then promised that actions would be taken to assure that there would be no more predicaments such as these. As far as principles go Mr. Zacharias was definitely one of the weirdest this school had ever had. His promises seemed to put Kenny at ease which was all I really wanted at this point, he even said I wasn’t to blame for my actions at school today and that as long as it didn’t happen again there would be no punishment. 

So I got lucky with that bit however now Eren and I would have a whole new reason for people to be all over us with shit that really didn’t make any sense but what can you do? No one likes a tattletale, you know like how everyone says snitches get stitches. We were definitely not off the hook now; we’d probably be the talk of the school, and the holy Martyrs of LGBTQ+ population. By this time Monday we’d be socially six feet under covered in dog shit; but that might not be too bad right? Then they might actually leave us alone, either way we’d be together and that’s all I really want. That and we still had this whole weekend to be just us. 

Although Eren did have an appointment that wouldn’t stop us. I mean Hanji had even moved into the guest room so we were completely alone most of the time in our room. Nothing had really escalate any further than what had happened in the hospital room, however not for lack of trying. But this was Eren’s first time and I didn’t want it to be anything he would be ashamed of so instead of being overly forceful or needy I kept everything to a pace Eren could keep up with as he was with all the medicine he has to take and all. Most of the time he can’t even stay awake past ten cause the drugs kick his ass so hard, poor him. I really don’t mean for it to sounds so sarcastic it’s just I’ve been really lonely, if you get my drift. 

“So what are we going to be doing for the next two days, aside from your appointment on Sunday?” I asked walking into my room after him, sore and tired from the events of the day. He slowly removed his shirt wincing at the pain from his shoulder. 

“What do you want to do?” He was trying hard to keep his voice steady for me and I knew it, but that didn’t make me feel any better.

“I want you to be honest with me. Does it hurt that much all the time? Why don’t you say anything? We could go sit in the nurse's office if it really bothers you. And if you go and say that it’s because you don’t want me to worry you’re stupid cause I’m going to either way you idiot. Why wouldn’t I worry about you? You’re my boyfriend, I care about you so much and you think that keeping something like this from me would make me feel any better? It makes me feel worse cause it feels like you can’t trust me with how you feel. That’s why I was so mad when that asshole said that shit today cause you weren’t talking to me you decided it’d be better to bottle it up just like this but you can’t anymore Eren,” I breathed for what felt like the first time in hours.” You need to talk to me. That’s how relationships work you talk about what’s wrong. So what’s wrong? Where does it hurt? On a scale of one to ten how much does it hurt?”

He looked so broken when I was done that I almost wanted to take it all back and hold him instead while flipping through netflix but this facade we had going on wasn’t working anymore we needed to have a serious moment. It seems hypocritical to say this but we need to stop running from this. He’s sick and that’s it, if we want to make it through this then we need to admit that he isn’t okay; we aren’t okay. 

“It’s moving down, the pain is spreading. The x-rays didn’t show any growth but those were taken then…” I he looked away from me after his confession.

“I don’t think it spreads that fast. It might just be the chemo, everything I’ve read says that you might get aches in other areas of your body not just where the cancer is.” I was trying in vein to get him to see reason.

“Levi seriously, you think this chemo is going to help? People die from radiation poisoning and that’s all this is. They’re pumping me full of the shit and at they’re hoping for it to kill me before the cancer does. It’s just one more thing that’s wrong with me okay. Why don’t you just get it through your head I’m dying and that there’s nothing anyone can do to fix it. I really wish you would just get it already.”

“No I won’t just get it you asshole. Sorry that I want you to live, it's almost like I like having you around and not being alone anymore but it’s too much to ask for now is it? I guess so. Well then you have fun being alone cause I’m not staying. You want to give up do that by yourself and see how easy it is to lose someone you really care for.” I left the room after that making it the guest, or well Hanji’s room before Eren could even try to talk me down. 

Why is he so willing to let all of this happen, he wasn’t like that before so what changed him? When he first started coming to sit with us at lunch he didn’t back down not even when we made it evident we didn’t care for him either way, but at some point it became as if he hadn’t ever not been there in that seat between Hanji and Erwin and now he was willing to give that seat up, to let someone worm their way into our live; into my life? He was just going to give me up after everything. 

Why did I believe anyone in the world was different? My mother was dead and gone leaving me here and who even was my father? All I’d ever known was Amy and Kenny and now I had someone for myself but he was already resigned to leaving me anyway. Stupid Eren and his one way ticket to hell, or at least that’s where I’m imagining someone like him would go. Someone who comes waltzing into your life only to slip away from you for on good reason. I’d almost forgotten where I was as I walked up to the guest bed inhabited by one of my only friends in the god forsaken world. 

“What the hell happened to you?” Hanji’s hands reached up to me in the motherly way they always had, promising understanding and comfort that only she could give. 

“Eren. He’s an asshole and I really don’t want to be near him anymore. Also we sort of broke up.” I mumbled into her chest. 

“Wait are you being serious, you guys broke up? How? That’s like impossible what happened? I heard yelling but I wasn’t really paying attention cause I thought it was a consensual thing that was more sensual than an actual argument.” Even her shitty jokes couldn’t pull me out of this one. 

“He’s hurting, really bad and he won’t tell me anything so I got mad and said that people who are in a relationship talk about things like that, and about how it made me feel like shit when he didn’t tell me, so he did and got really mad saying that the chemo was just killing him like the cancer but it would go faster this way. He kept saying I just needed to stop thinking he was savable…” I was crying now and Hanji was not happy. I could by the way she was breathing she was just as mad as I had been; now all I really felt was sadness. 

Erwin was right Eren just told me what I wanted to hear, he gave me a pair of rose tinted glasses so the truth could remain in the area where the glasses couldn’t see. Me living in his wonderland chasing the white rabbit, right where he wanted me. Hanji slid out from underneath me and turned on the tv sitting on the dresser or the guest room, she silently pulled up spotify application on the playstation. 

“I think what you really need right now is a girls night. Do you want to invite Erwin?” She smiled.

By the time Erwin got here we’d already turned the room into our own personal fortress of solitude where only the single could be, of course this worried Amy so we explained that Eren and I were taking a break. I think they watched reruns of Friends the rest of the night, but it did matter I was having a girls night with my two best friends. Now this was something that hadn’t happened in a long time, not since Hanji’s last girlfriend I think. This tradition started with Erwin though, it was just after his first girlfriend and he tried to have sex for the first time, she laughed at his dick and so the girls night was born. 

Hanji was pulling all of my available hair into a rather taxing bun on top on my head when Erwin came in holding the pizza and three two liter bottles one root beer, another sunkist, and the final was Dr pepper, Erwin’s favorite. He seemed to sense how serious this was, Hanji hadn’t told him anything all she said was it was a girls night and he’d come. No one really said anything until Erwin’s hair was tastefully covered in mix matched bows and small pinktails, mine was covered in gel that Hanji had mixed with glitter and as hers she had two ponytails on either side of her head that had multi-color extensions clipped into the center of each. 

“So now that we all look ridiculously beautiful, do you two mind filling me in on what happened? I mean Eren looked shit when I walked in.” He didn’t seem to affected by that but he did seem worried.

“You were right, he was just saying what I wanted to hear. So we’re taking a break? Or at least that’s what we told Amy when she came to ask.” 

“Enough said.” He nodded looking at me at he stood to turn up the music playing through the speakers of the tv, he then held his hand out for me to help me up. Once we were all standing we started dancing in that half sane way kids do at school dances. At some point Hanji started grinding on me and Erwin go on the bed and did a little show for us whipping his head around while he tried and failed to twerk. We were all screaming laughing by the end of the night and yet it didn’t end. We played whatever board games we could find hidden in the closet. 

“Is there really a reason we listen to One Direction?” It’d been a thing we’d done since the boy band had hit the airwaves. 

“Yes my dear Erwin there is.” Hanji sat up. He looked over to her, I couldn't help but to take us all in at that moment, Hanji sat in her bar and shorts as if there weren’t two able young men in the room with her, I’ll be it I am gay, but Erwin is anything but, he straight as shit; looking to him now He was sitting in his loose fit boxers and undershirt, and then there’s me with his button down draped over my shoulders only two buttons done and my Calvin Klein boxer briefs that Eren constantly commented on saying that he liked how tight they were. 

We’re looked a mess and yet I couldn’t bring myself to care. Eren liked to make me sad about one thing or another talking about dying and shit. It’s funny because before that was me and now all I wanted was another night like this with my best friends here, one that wasn’t brought on by my ass of a boyfriend. I wanted to live an eventful life filled with parties and strange traditions that brought about more strange traditions. I wanted so much more from life than I ever had before, hell I want kids, me, Levi Ackerman I want kids and with this guys who’s trying to die. But could I ever ask for anything better? Is there anything better than what I already have? 

Would there ever be another person who would talk me out of so many suicide attempts only to come back and be by my side without giving me shit? I don’t think anyone would ever take Hanji’s spot. Would there ever come another person who reads romance novels his grandmother gives him for christmas and that he secretly buys for himself too? No I don’t think there’s another Erwin waiting to find me somewhere out there. These people that I so frequently take for granted come to my rescue every time I need them to. I love them even though I can’t say it I really hope they know, but I think they do, or else they might not be here right now. 

I don’t remember falling asleep but when I wake up it’s obvious I did, the tv is off and Hanji’s hair is all over the place while Erwin looks like a drunken hobo that was pissed on by some guy after a night at the bar. There is no doubt a smile playing on my lips as I climb out of the bed, there were aches in my arms and one in my leg but I didn’t mind as I walked out of the room forgetting just how I looked walking around in Erwin’s shirt and my underwear like this. I finished up what I needed to in the bathroom before going to the kitchen deciding I did mind the dull pain in my limbs. 

I guess I’d missed that Eren had slept on the couch in my haste to get what I needed and get back to bed to sleep for at least three more hours because when I turned around he was staring at me with a slack jaw and wide defencive eyes. When our eyes meet his mouth closed and then there was only the impression my wardrobe left on him as he stood to really take me in. My hair had managed to keep the glittered bun Hanji’d left it in, and the fact that the holes the buttons that were buttoned had found refuge in weren’t the holes they were meant to be in was not helping my look any less guilty. Maybe it looked like I’d had hot ravengious sex with possibly two people last night but if Eren truly knew me then he’d know that is not what happened. 

“So you had fun last night?” He sounded mad and a little off from his usual self, which made me feel weird. 

“And if I did, is that any of your business?” I eyed he, he looked like he could kill if you asked me. So maybe he didn't believe anything had happened between Erwin and I but I was wearing his shirt and not Eren’s which I was hoping left a sour taste in his mouth. 

“I guess not since we aren’t together. Oh and I’ll be going home, you know to my parents house. Don’t bother coming to my appointment tomorrow either.” He turned away from me after that leaving me with a searing pain in my heart. He went to my room and when he came out about an hour later I was still standing where he’d left me as he walked out with his duffle bag full of clothes. I heard the door close and he was seriously gone. 

It had really come to this and he was gone. My mouth tasted like bile and my hands shook. 

 

It had been two months since Eren walked out of my house that day, he went to school for a week and then left, rumors spread about where he’d gone and how he was doing according to people he’d never spoken to he was in the mountains getting treatment for his “problem”, others said that he’d gone off the deep end and tried to kill himself after we broke up; honestly none of what they said made sense but they still tried to come up with something so they could keep pushing him back into my mind. I already knew that he was in germany getting some fancy treatment from a doctor there, and that his family had gone with him, Armin had become a signature figure in my life since Eren left which came in handy when the rumors started. Eren still kept in contact with Armin, however I’d told Armin I did want any up dates, said that I was fine but Armin still gave me that Erwin esque look sometimes. 

Honestly I didn’t have any time for all the stuff that was going on, I’d gotten a job the week after Eren left and graduation was crawling up on his in recordly slow time. On top of that Hanji kept saying I needed to find a date to prom before all the good guys are taken, but I really don’t care to go to prom still all too aware of what Eren had said at the stupid fucking playground I’ve been hanging around way too often to be okay. Going with anyone else would insult whatever we had had for that moment. 

“Hey you work tonight right?” Armin came walking up to be skipping a little like he does sometimes, his hair was caught in one of Hanji’s ponytails she loved to give him. 

“Yes, why are you asking?” I looked to his bright blue eyes that held a secret he wasn’t going to give me. 

“I have a friend who’s been talking about trying to find a really nice coffee shop and since you work at one I was thinking of taking them there, because then I could see you at work too since I’m the only one who hasn’t.” He smiled but it held mischief in it. 

“I guess you can come, but I swear if you’re up to something I’m going to kill you Armin.” I gave him the address after that telling him when I start my shift as well to appease his questions. 

I was expecting to see Armin’s bright little face the moment I took up my position behind the counter but that was the case, it was almost two hours into my shift when he walked in followed by a vaguely familiar person. I couldn't really hear their conversation while I taking people's orders, but something about the way they were so close was reminding me of things I didn’t want to think about anymore. They got into line at the very end at least ten people away, but it wasn’t until they got the being two people away that I realized it was who I thought it was. Eren was standing next to Armin talking animatedly about something I wasn’t coherent enough to hear. I ran my hands done my apron and turned around signalling to my manager that I needed at moment in the back. 

You see this wasn't the first time I’d had a freak out at working thinking reminded me too much of him, and now here the bastard was and Armin, my friend was trying to force us to speak. I couldn’t just stand there and take his order like it was nothing. She nodded looking at the line and then came to take my place as I ran into the back avoiding the situation completely. I pulled out my phone and sent Armin a strongly worded text about how uncool what he was trying to do was but then just as I was putting my phone away my boss came back saying a friend of mine was asking for me to come out and talk to him. 

“Look, Barb, seriously I can’t go out there.” I was shaking uncontrollably.

“Awe, are you telling me little Levi’s can have crushes too.” She joked taking my arm and pulling me out. 

“No Barb, it’s not that,” I was struggling against her as best I could, trying so hard to keep myself hidden behind the walk that kept out the eyes I so wanted to look into for the rest of my life, the eyes that left and didn’t even say anything. 

“Then what is it you little baby. He’s just a little thing, you’ve been hit on by bigger (cuter) guys before.” She was way too strong to not be going to the gym.

“Do you work out?” I questioned looking for a way out of this.

“Don’t do that, changing the subject is not an option.” She pulled hard this time and I lost my balance falling into her as I screamed about Eren being my ex. 

When I finally pulled myself up and out of her cleavage everyone was looking at us. That included the guy standing next to Eren at his table with Armin that was writing his number on Eren’s hand. I could feel the heat build up in my cheeks as I turned and went back to where I’d been hiding. My phone went off twelve time before I turned it off completely. I spent the rest of my shift there in the back doing nothing. By the end Barb had come and sat next to me not saying anything until she couldn’t take the quiet I’d built to hold myself together with.

“That was him then the boy with the blond who asked for you? Eren, the guy with cancer that wants to go and die on you. I would have never guessed. With a full head of hair like that.” She was just trying to get me to say something but nothing she said felt right, even being here nothing felt right all I wanted was to be taken into the ground where no one could see me again. It was ten minutes before she spoke again. “I called your friend to come and get you, the one with the glasses.”

I stood and moved to get my stuff like a robot stuck with rusty limbs that couldn’t do much other than what I was, like it was all I was built for but give these fancy parts to do other things but couldn’t. Hanji was bouncing on the ball of her feet when I walked out, she ran up to me and took me into her arms. 

“Fuck him.” She whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's pissed, Levi's pissed and I am so ready for revenge sex yess bitches. Okay so more like public indecency at prom, but from which party? I think we all know it's going to be Levi but are you ready for it? No.


	6. spoil sport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart was in my throat, had people really been putting him through that? How long had he endured? Why was he only now saying anything? Emotions I'd never felt in such high dosages were running ramped through me and yet all I wanted wasn't to wring the necks of those who even dared challenge the beauty that was the man who was raw and uncut a shapeless diamond that I have found only to have lost. Had I truly lost him, or was there time? Should I wait for him or should I go to him first? What will he say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so spoiled I swear, or maybe lucky I can't sleep and that I read your lovely comments. I really don't care either way. 
> 
> Song: 18 - One Direction.

I was not under any circumstances going to let this asshole affect me in anyway shape or form- is what I had misgivenly promised myself as I walked into school this morning. Over the course of the weekend my trusted associate, Hanji, had spend an undeterminable amount of time interrogating the ever loving shit out of the once fondly admired Armin only to find out that the horrendous monstrosity I called my ex would indeed be returning to school with us. This left me in a rather tight spot with little to know wiggle room, meaning that if I were confronted I would be in the metaphorical corner. 

Since my shift had ended at the coffee shop I had spent a considerable amount of time pondering whether it would be safer all together to just drop out now. Honestly if anyone had cared to ask me how I felt about Eren being back I would have to say I was terrified. In my mind Eren was living a nice life off in Germany ready to never come back to small-town, Texas again; I was almost content with the life I’d made up for him too, but then to see him again with another guy writing his number on his hand. Who does something like that? 

Jesus since when did I become the type of ex who complains about how well off the other party is? I mean that guy was hot and so what if Eren wants to be with him, right; he made it pretty damn clear he was dying so why not have some last minute charade with a stranger. No strings attached, that’s how I was, but it never really got any further than groping. He didn’t know that did he, no cause I never told him, so here he is thinking I’ve done things like what we did with other guys but I only ever said I did. 

Somehow I’ve been come the star of some horribly written Easy A remake. Word to the wise: movies like that are made for a reason, they’re relatable; because at some point in your life you’re going to make a high risk mistake that will turn out ruining a bunch of people's lives and for what, so you can have five minutes in the spotlight. Well you know what Emma Stone you can have it back because all its ever brought me was trouble, and I never got the guy either. 

That’s why they say life isn’t fair so often, because adults get it, they’ve been through it already. They know that when life presents you an ornate fruit basket where the primary color is yellow, that you don’t start off with the best mother fucking lemonade Jesus ever pissed, no you get a bitter sweet taste of the real world. A world you’re not cut out for, one where you have to suck up your pride and say well damn I guess I was wrong, when you were right but your boss Bill really doesn’t think so; so instead he makes you take the left not the right that would take you to your destination and you have to turn the fuck around. Which is what I really wanted to do right now, but Bill was saying to take the right this time so I did and you know what Bill, I hope Martha finds out about you and the babysitter!

Bill had never been so wrong about which turn was the right turn because right now I was on a head first collision course with the one and only Eren and honestly I understood why everyone in sitcoms made it seem so dramatic now. It felt like my life was ending here and now and the only way out was to pull that u-y that Bill was screaming about because damn was this not the right time to have to walk anywhere near the growth that was the boy I so loved. Even so I couldn’t manage it, there was just too many people in the hall and they would notice if I made a direction change so abruptly; I would hit Monica and nobody wanted that, she’d be crying for a week about how cruel I was to her or something. So instead of listening to the very sound instructions Bill was now giving me I walked right past Eren looking as unapologetic as I could and hoping I could get out of this without injury; however with the way my life was going now that just couldn’t be the case could it? 

No, it couldn't because here comes Miss. Bitch herself, Mikasa, with her holier than thou attitude and snob posture. God how I detested the very mention of her existence. Alas my cursing had been for not because she was still walking, with purpose, straight toward the very place I stood; and when she reached me she took Eren’s arm and said, “You shouldn’t stand so close to someone like him you might get sick.” 

Sick? Oh what pray tell could make poor pretty boy Eren so sick? Maybe she meant the AIDS everyone had been saying I had, or better yet crabs. How was one to know when the whole world knew I had ever possible STD out there? Get it checked, no they don’t have a fucking machine with the capabilities you know, that’s what I heard, have to go to at least three labs to get them all tested and even then they don’t have any of those new ones from Africa cataloged yet so you’re screwed either way. Bet you learned your lesson not to go running around with some cheap tramp like me, am I right? 

Anyway that was a little off topic, all I’m getting at is that the moment Eren left didn’t mean any of what had started before had ended. If anything it got worse, and when it did where did I go? The capitol building, like when I took Eren out of here. I go there and I dance by myself in the middle of that God Damned room while people watch and whisper and it feels good. To be that weirdo they don’t stop from dancing alone cause he cried that one time and told them everything laying it out so now it’s just become a thing and no one says anything. 

It’s not so bad though, Joe’s nice and sometimes when it’s late he’ll bring me coffee before escorting me to my car, cause I stay ‘til close every time. Actually Rachel and I are going to be taking a dance class together, she told me she’d schedule it and then tell me when, she works as a tour guide at the capitol. Then there’s Gary who waxes the floors. I’m so sad. 

Though that gives me no reason to give up now, this is only a minor inconvenience, I’m sure today there will be major ones that warrant a little trip to the white building up the road, however for now I have English.

You know what forget what I said, forget it all. Minor inconveniences are the best reason, if not the greatest reason one should ever need for leaving and become completely useless for the rest of the day. Why you may ask, well because for some reason my English teacher decided he wanted to read us a poem about love and lose today and shit man I cried like a bitch. Swear, scouts honor and everything. So now here I am, in the middle of my dance floor dancing but it doesn’t feel good anymore. It feels like I drank all drain-o and pepto I could find in one sitting and then thought a shot bleach would be a nice refresher for my aching body. Crappy shit is all I could feel, but when you’re actual living trash what else do you expect? 

Either way Rachel was excited to inform me of our dance lesson’s date and time forcing me to promise to be there cross my heart and all. She wasn’t a bad friend, was I still a bastard toward her of course. My name is Levi, and then only person who’d made me anywhere near tolerable was deep throating some bottle blond somewhere pretending to have been saved by the lord's graces. But I shouldn’t hold that against him right, as long as he confesses to having sinned I don’t see a problem with it. 

Kill me now, seriously, all I am is just a raging shit post made at two am on a Sunday, Eren didn’t deserve my judgement. There are many great gay celebrities who tried to pray the gay away before forgoing their righteous beliefs and succumbing to sin like me, and maybe his parents were right it was a phase but damn was I hell bent on never letting him live down the fact that he’d practically begged me to stay with him, fought tooth and nail for a while to keep me too; because there was no way I was going to be the only one who woke up with those memories burned into my brain. 

\-----

School days drag by really slow as I’ve mentioned, but now that it’s so close to the end I have some regrets. Like how I regret not going to that church group everyone raved about, or the cultured book club that only read self-help books. Oh but of all my regrets it’s that I didn’t realize sooner just how much fun it would be to go to prom and not just to dance away my pain, no I was going to make sure this prom would be remembered. In ten years time I want people to ask about how exactly I did what I’m planning on doing, and all I’ll have to say is that Rachel was the best momentary friend I ever had. 

My life got really interesting when I walked into that dance class, let me tell you, I have never seen such a fine piece of ass. Our instructor, bless his soul, was mm, a beauty to be admired. He worked that pole like no ones business and when he was done I needed to use the bathroom. That aside it took me all of five classes to get the moves down, which was fast considering I had no muscle mass at all when we started. Even so I guess my new exercise endeavours weren’t going unnoticed, was I getting compliments from possible suitors, no, but Barb was really into it. She joined the class too. 

So now instead of getting the occasional ‘are you okay’ glance I got the hushed whispers of reassurance that someday I would find a man worth my time while I was four feet off the ground with a two inch pole between my thighs. I was living the life believe it or not. I had a group of reassuring friends, it was like binge eaters anonymous for skinny gay guys. Pole dancing class taught me so many things, those women were the sisters I’d never wanted but now had. Don’t get me wrong though those girls were a light at the end of a dark tunnel, and even though Casondara kept sleeping with Khloy’s boyfriend and Bebe couldn't stop eating those weird mushrooms that made her hallucinate about Thomas Jefferson those were some of the best times I had.

So you can imagine the resounding support I got when I told them of my plan to make prom the best prom anyone had ever been to. Now I know what you’re thinking and yes that’s exactly what I intent to do. I am going to bitch myself out in front of everyone I have ever knew but you know what as long as these women are standing behind me I think I can do it. 

It took mild convincing to get the principles okay on having five grown ass women performing a dance and teaching it to the children attending the dance, which was slightly alarming, but I think by this point he was pretty much bored out of his mind. Either way we got permission without even having to show him the fake dance we’d made up just in case. Luck was on our side I could feel it, everyday as the clock counted down to the minute I would become my final evolutionary form. There was only one thing left to do, and that was to make sure I was the sexiest sex god anyone had ever seen, which wasn’t hard. 

Barb was a real life saver though, taking it upon herself to deck me out in the finest shit you could buy from ulta. My eyebrows had never looked so sharp. We had all pitched in to buy me my tux, because after tonight no one would even be able to pull off this look without looking like some wannabe. 

Amy insisted on picture and you know what I was more than willing to let her take all the pictures she wanted for once. Tonight was the only time after this the Levi who had known Eren wouldn’t be me anymore. Again I would change and would that be for the better or worse who knows. I’d already thrown out everything that had been that me, the one who had dance with a fake Eren in the courtyard, wasn’t the guy who danced alone without a fake Eren to hold in the capitol building, I was in constant flux. So here I stand changing yet again. 

If these high school stooges wanted me to be a sex crazed whore so be it. I would be that whore, because I am the Emma Stone of this Easy A, and I am going to be the easiest, most sleaziest A you have ever known.

Walking into this I was surprised at just how mediocre the decor was. I was going to be laying it all out here on this carpet square floor for everyone to see and they couldn’t even get a little mood lighting? Anyway there was no backing down now, I had a plan and I was sticking to it. 

Even with my mask Hanji spotted me, but she kept her distance knowing full well what I had in store and more than ready to see just how promiscuous I could be. Erwin was late, but that was a part of the plan too, he was how Armin and Eren were getting in, well He and his two cousins who had been home schooled. It was truly a miracle that their moron parents had allowed us this night, and since the people at the door didn’t care to check if you went to school here it didn’t matter that they were home schooled or not. Excitement was buzzing through me now, my time was coming and yes I was ready. 

I would be rocking so many worlds tonight, worlds I’d never thought of before, worlds I didn’t care about. Think you can go and make me into some punch line of your sick jokes just watch asshole. Jittery enthusiasm was rushing down my spine as the lights we’d set up began to move eloquently across the ceiling of the all too enclosed room. My cue was coming and so for now I watched. 

The girls were making their entrances, going down the line, tick down the time. My foot tapped in time with the music, a mix put together just days ago, oh was I ready. 3,2,1. The lights went out and when they came up I was front and center, arms covering my chest, and a flicker again, now my jackets gone, three flickers later I’m in my underwear and somewhere I hear Hanji whistling. I numb but not, the lights are moving like they should and I know everyone else is beside me and we’re moving the same way, but this feeling is more than that. 

Butterflies and sunny skies don’t even come close to it, my dance floor back at the capitol never had such a feeling, not even with him there. I am Levi, the gay guy you’ve gone to school with since kindergarten, weird huh, how you never knew and now you do but that’s not cool so instead of pretending you never heard it you make my life a living hell. That’s the feeling, but it’s not a feeling, it’s an understanding that I am, and you are, but I never said you were wrong for being so here I am, and I’ve brought this big ass two inch pole so I can dance for you and you can know that I no longer live in the confines of who you wanted me to be. 

Then there’s my end and the girls dress my again while the lights flicker on and off and everyone’s silent but I just really don’t care after this I’m going to be eating two am pancakes at Denny's and where will you all be? Losing your vriginity to someone you’ll never talk to again after high school, but you’ll do it cause now is the time to, so these five women and I will eat your share of the pancakes and laugh about your faces. But I’m not done yet Barb was right to leave without saying it is dumb and to give anyone a second to question why was wrong, because then they’d have their own story to tell about it, but this is my story so fuck ‘em.

“I loved Eren Jeager, and what I got for it was this,” I gestured to everyone now. “I got you Zach Micheals, who told me in sixth grade you liked and then preceded to take away something you never wanted. I kissed you. Then I got Alex, yes Alex, the guy who smells like day old hamburgers, and you know what I kissed you too. But never once did I ever go any further than second base, until I loved and then what I got for it was people, deciding who I was based on their own ideas of what loved should be so now instead of love I don’t have anything.” I paused again looking around me, this really was Easy A.” But because I loved, every time you say what you say and do what you do I run and hide in a place he took me to. And even that’s a fantasy because he lied to me. Stupid kid is dying and who am I to want to stop him, if he's so inclined to resign why should I still dance in the middle of that hollow crowd who doesn’t know me? Why should I do it alone?” 

I left after that in my patterned tux and black button down. I left knowing he’d heard me and they they knew that I’d lied to them and that was fine. I didn’t need approval for me anymore. Eren could be Eren and Levi could be Levi so why would I ever need that again? Because I’d loved him. I ate so many god damned pancakes and then when I got home he was there. Like I hadn’t laid it all out and said fuck off. He was there because he hadn't laid it all out. Eren had a story to tell and he told it.

“Levi, where have you been?” 

“I said I was going to Denny’s, didn’t I or did you not listen cause I didn’t have that part recorded, but if you want to watch the dancing again that’ll be seven bucks.” I pushed past him.

“No I heard you and that’s why I’m here I just didn’t think you’d be gone thing long. It’s like five you know.”

“And, is that supposed to mean something? I have a job now you know, and that implies staying out until late late hours working and doing normal people shit, or have you forgot what’s normal for people in America to be doing what with having been in Germany for so long.”

“Don’t go giving me that shit okay. You know why I had to go to Germany, so don’t be all high and mighty.”

“Oh sorry, I forgot, it’s me, Levi the high and mighty, who rides his over grown horse into small unsuspecting villages to swoop in and leave infectious diseases like the one ailing poor old Eren boy, but don’t worry seventy hail marries should cover the cost of that sin.”

“What are you implying that I went to Germany and prayed the gay away? I was there getting treatment done jackass. You think it was fun there? I had my dad pushing all sorts of “cure” stuff on me as soon as I went home, so don’t think you’re the only one who’s had it bad.”

“I’m soo sorry, please forgive me, how strong you must be to have endure such agony.” I fixed him with the most menacing glare I could.” Please do tell me, did you get offered money for your “services”, ooh no better yet you had to go through STD testing because the school nurse and counselor both were worried about the way you’d been behaving. You see Eren while you were off getting that treatment you’d said you’d get if I dated you I was here with the people you’d left me with and you know what life was not as easy as you think, but you wouldn’t know that. You did have people talking about just how far your anus could spread.”

“That’s unfair Levi and you know it.”

“Is it Eren cause I don’t remember saying it was. So that’s too bad that you think so, have a good night though.” 

“So you’re really just going to leave me out here.” What was this kid thinking? Was he trying to make my life harder? All I wanted right now was Hanji’s mother arms and sleep, I could cry later. 

“Yes, I’m leaving you right there in the street where you’ve been loitering for too long now and at some point I’ll call the cops…”

“Why don’t you just walk with me there’s somewhere I want to go”

“I won’t walk with you because I don’t have to, I have no ties holding me to you anymore, you didn’t do the one thing I asked of you when I asked it of you, you ran away to do it thousands of miles away where I could no longer see you, and when you came back. Well it wasn’t any easier. So I won’t walk with you.”

“Even to the playground.”

“Even to the playground.”

“Okay,” There he want finally walking away again, but it didn’t feel the same. “I still love you, you know. Even if that Zach guy kissed you, and that Alex kid too. I loved you when I saw you fall into that girl's chest at work while screaming about me. And you I loved you while I was walking away too, that’s why I couldn’t stay cause I couldn’t watch you watch me anymore. You were waiting so patiently for me to do the right thing but I couldn’t. Like you always are, you were right I couldn’t tell you cause I didn’t want to hurt you, so I made a decision to leave and I did. To save you the heart ache I left. There was no stopping to think about what people would say about you while I was gone, there was only going so I could get back to you. Going so I could stay with you.”

“Pretty words don’t mean much.” The quiet was long. “So does that mean you’re okay now?”

“No I’m not okay. I’ve months of chemo to go, but for what those doctors could do, they’ve done so now there’s only the waiting to see if it changes anything.”

“And you came back here for this?”

“I came back here for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not cry yet for the night it soft.   
> Do not begin to leave.  
> I am not yet ready to part and yet you leave so early.  
> The due of the morning does not stop your depart.   
> So softly the night comes and with it your heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh a kiss the first freaking chapter, and passive aggressive homophobia. Levi is a total babe, what a great boyfriend. Are the transitions weird? Leave comments please.


End file.
